Who is not attending this year, Congrats to Robspots, and anything else thread

[F-Troop Mom]

CONGRATULATIONS Mr. and Mrs. Robspot on your lovely addition!

[Kev_mk3]

well done Rob and wife

[Dirk3D_NL]

congratulations!!

[mgmark]

Adding to the growing list, well done Mr and Mrs and the little 'un!

MG Mark

[Andy Zarse]

Are you lot done talking about me?

Firstly.  The Wedding.  It's the best POSSIBLE date.  It might screw this year up, but it is 2 clear weeks away for anniversaries in the future. 
It is also JUST outside the football season, so I will never get stiched for a playoff final (although the FA cup final might throw a spanner in the works - but I've never thought we'd get anywhere near to winnning that anyway).

So - for me this year will be all about the short term pain, for the long term gain..... trust me, I had to plan it meticulously.

Secondly, I didn't go wrong until I met a group of blokes who like to put an alternative word to bottom at the end of their names, and then yes, it all went wrong.

<takes bow>

Anyway - Congratulations Mr and Mrs Spot.  Sorry I can't come down for a planning meeting during the week - but I'll be sure to raise a glass in honour of full stop...... (boom boom

Brad you are expelled from Team Zarse forthwith. 

[Andy Zarse]

Me too, sniff.....
I've, rather foolhardily if you ask me, accepted an invite to take part in a race that starts with swimming from Alcatraz Island to the mainland. It appears to get worse after that. Entries are quite hard to get, so turning it down would seem a little churlish.
I think it's an early start, so it'll probably be around kick off time at La Sarthe too. A Silk Cut Jaguar swim hat anyone?
H
PS Mark, any unguents left?

H, you are expelled from Team... erm, hang on...

Crikey that doesn't sound like a bundle of laughs! God alone knows what you've done to be incarcerated on Alcatraz and if fable is to be believed nobody has ever managed to swim the Straight and escape. I mean, Burt Lancaster never made it did he, and even resorted to training a flock of sparrows to fly him across. I think you'd be better off crawling down the shitpipe a la Shawshank or even doing a Steve McQueen in Papilion and conceal a sack of coconuts down your trunks. Even if you drown it will look great when the State Coroner's photographer turns up to take the official inquest shots.

You're going to regret this decision I think, but assuming there's no talking you out of it, then I cannot recommend the products of Dr Whites highly enough. Oh and mind the sealions too, they're viscious little f**k*rs.

[mgmark]

Me too, sniff.....
I've, rather foolhardily if you ask me, accepted an invite to take part in a race that starts with swimming from Alcatraz Island to the mainland. It appears to get worse after that. Entries are quite hard to get, so turning it down would seem a little churlish.
I think it's an early start, so it'll probably be around kick off time at La Sarthe too. A Silk Cut Jaguar swim hat anyone?
H
PS Mark, any unguents left?

H,

Missed the PS earlier. You mad fool.  You'll be lucky on unguents mate, you slathered the world's supply over your backside on that last little jaunt to La Sarthe; it will be some years before a sustainable supply is available once more.  That said, I understand that emollients, creams, oils, ointments, tinctures, balms, lubricants and oils are in plentiful supply to achieve the desired demulcent effect upon your posterior.  However, as combined treatments, rather than the convenient "one-shot" extreme unction and unguent mix, I warn you now that it will need a large lorry to cart the stocks behind you and a large medical support team to adminster the necessary.............

MG Mark

[BigH]

Yes indeed, congrats to the robspots. Apart from the sleepless nights, raw sewage and never ending expense, it's a marvellous thing. Chapeaux!!

Thanks Mark, - I'm under moral pressure to go all green regarding the unguents, in fact I think I did go green in some areas for a while after the last batch. Anyway, as sustainability seems to be the way forward these days, I thought I'd try someones suggestion of goosefat. I'm not too sure exactly what you do with it though, - I imagine lathering it around the toilet area would be quite good fun, and would help while away any quiet afternoons.  I think I remember reading that under the arms is meant to be a good place, but that sounds more like advice for the goose, I mean, I'm not flying for godsakes. After some thought, I think I'll just rub it in my head and go for a killer side parting that should last me till christmas. And where do you get goose fat these days? - apart from geese, obviously.

Andy, I haven't been expelled from anything (or anyone) for quite sometime now, - my team has just sort of evaporated this year, and there's just a sickly sweet residue left in the bottom of the tin. The coconuts idea sounds like a cracking plan, in fact a general selection of tropical fruit and veg should go a long way to making the coroners day, should the punk be feeling lucky. It has to be said though, there's not a lot of room in my budgie smugglers...

Once the sea temps are into double figures I'll be starting my open water training down in Worthing, - come June it'll be about 11 in SF Bay, - a bit parky if you ask me. There's also a gravel pit near Staines (I've always been amused that Staines is very near to Feltham, -I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere, I just can't get it out), that calls itself a water sports centre, that will let swimmers in from 6 till 7.30am. Bewilderingly, it's been empty for a while now. It had ice on it this morning, even the geese were keeping well off.

H

[Lazy B'stard]

mmmmm, goose fat you say. Always prefered Duck fat personally- less spreadable but longer lasting. I think I'd be tempted to use tractor grease myself- it leaves a trail of pretty colours which the Coastguard will be able to follow when cracking out the dredging nets. Probably less attractive to the pallets of the Sharks too.
 On the subject of Balms can anyone recommend something for the Jock Itch that I have been suffering of late? Too much wet weather cycling, saddle sore has mutated into something much more sinister- looks like a glorified atheletes foot but in the nether regions, not a pleasant thought for a Tuesday afternoon granted but even more unpleasant to have around the crown jewels thats for sure.

Si

[BigH]

Dr S,
I assume that this complaint is not under your umbrella of professional experience.

I've had experience of "the umbrella", and I can confirm it was one I wouldn't want to repeat in any hurry. Notwithstanding that, in order for me to make a full and proper diagnosis you would of course need to post a couple of pics, - similar to the ones you usually need to send to your Classic insurers, - you know the score: one from the front, front and rear three quarters, under the bonnet, and so on.

But I'm not unprepared to stick my neck out. By far the best solution is "torching", where you apply a gas burner until the surface kind of caramelises, - if you've ever seen a chef preparing a creme brulee you'll know exactly what I mean. Granted, it's not very pleasant, and it will make your eyes water, but you'll never have to worry about jock itch ever again. Amongst other things.

A poultice of Fiery Jack (http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100001046.html) and Mad Daves Chilli sauce (http://www.chilliworld.com/SP6.asp?p_id=41), applied as autumn approaches and left until the daffodils start poking their heads up will normally sort things out also. As above, the list of things you are left to worry about afterwards is relatively challenged. Any kind of carnal activities, family hopes or waste removal are right out, however, most patients see this as a bonus.

Hope this helps.

H (struck off, 1993)

[Jules G]

Congratulations to you and eridoorz

[mgmark]

The problem with goose fat is again one of supply, given that avian flu and last Christmas decimated the goose population.  Even Nigella had to use duck fat, which is a poor substitute, and you should note if applying the caramelised blow torch treatment advocated, that duck fat has a particualrly high burn point.  Beef dripping would be a possibility, but given your need to establish truly green credentials for this jaunt, I have identified just the stuff.  Organic Ghee is a clarified butter made from the fresh organic milk of cow’s grazing on natural organic pastures, loaded with essential fatty acids, which have potent antimicrobial and anti-oxidant properties and rich in Vitamins A,D,E & K, plus selenium for that added boost.  It is stable when heated with a high smoking point, which makes it very unlikely to be damaged by heat and apparently it doesn't produce free radicals either.  Idela I'd say!

MG Mark   

[Andy Zarse]

On the subject of Balms can anyone recommend something for the Jock Itch that I have been suffering of late? Too much wet weather cycling, saddle sore has mutated into something much more sinister- looks like a glorified atheletes foot but in the nether regions, not a pleasant thought for a Tuesday afternoon granted but even more unpleasant to have around the crown jewels thats for sure.

Si

Ah yes, our old friend Scrub Pox! Creamy-white, smooth, mucoid-fluidal colonies have infected your nether area, Simon. External symptoms observed are usually sunken and cracked areas, and a brown cheesy decay surrounding pustulous running sores. A sour smelling bacterial ooze is expressed when such areas are squeezed. You need to sort this out immediately, a neglected pox is not all beer and skittles - beer, indeed, is to be strictly avoided, as are sweaty frictious sports such as cycling. Your worry must be that the gonococks will head south-west into your prize veg with sad consequences and simply to walk around the house you'll need to wear a special elasticated suspender around your turgid old chap. And even then...

Thus I'd have thought a long time sufferer and carrier of the "ring rot family" of bacteria should know better than to suggest "torching". BigH is a latter day "Typhoid Mary" of the ring rot world, a sort of "Epstein-Barr Virus Harry".

No, this matter needs a little care when being treated; mark my words, Manuka honey is the answer. And just to balance the pH of course, one needs to add something to cut through the sweetness, such as tart lemon juice or maybe white vinegar. Gently apply the concoction to the infected area with a wire brush (a soft one such as used for cleaning your suede winklepickers, not the one from your workshop). Then the area must be covered in something impervious, and I like the idea of Mark's beef dripping, although swan fat if most efficatious. Cover with a tight rubber bandage and leave for two months; you'll be right as rain you'll see, or my names not Dr Hilary Jones off of GMTV.

[smokie]

Hate to drag this back on topic, but I wonder if the numbers not attending from CA this year are representative of the whole British contingent? If so, I wonder if the ACO will notice the shortfall, and whether they may put some thought into why people are less keen to go. More likely, they'll just put it down to the credit crunch.

(I'm making a bit of an assumption here, which is that those people who have simply decided that they "aren't going to bother this year" or who have "something else on" would normally have made damn sure that they didn't have something else on at Le Mans time, had we not suffered the continual rogering from the ACO)

[Piglet]

Yep Smokie, the main reason for us not going is the continual hassle of getting decent camping tickets and the inability to do anything about it other than use an agency.  The ACO clearly use some kind of "time served" system for allocating tickets and without a time machine to take me back 15 years I can't do anything to achieve anything other than BSJ.