Passport application letter - sign of the times?

[Steve Pyro]

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake, I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!


I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen
 

[landman]

*looks like someone kicked his kennel this morning...*

[redstu]

Well of course ID cards will bring an end to all this - wont they?

[Lord Pig-Pen]

Fantastic rant by my fine poultry owning, piano playing, pallet smashing bonfire assistant... Sure I will have a similar one soon... my Passport expires before Sebring so I will obviously have to go through all the usual bollox again.
One would think that as "they" had access to every official document I have and all my personal history earlier this year during Lady PP's Visa application, it would be a simple process.

I have my doubts....

One saving grace is that my doctor is of New Forest origin, younger than me and drives a Vectra... but mine is newer!!

[BryanC]

I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through............and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

Easy.............Its because they've lost the laptop together with everybody elses personal info on it.

BryanC

[Barry]

Unions have just voted for strike action during the next few months, including the passport office.
Would suggest making the application with plenty of time to spare.

[Martini...LB]

Unions have just voted for strike action during the next few months, including the passport office.
Would suggest making the application with plenty of time to spare.

Thanks for the heads up Barry.

>Martini...

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

*_THE OBITUARY_*
**
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
 
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
 
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
 
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
 
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
 
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
 
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.'
 

[Leftie]

Brian,

That is the most apt verse that anyone could have posted.

I'm sure the majority of us are very close friends and relatives of Common Sense. We morn his passing.

[Mr Termite]

As y'all know, I live abroad. My UK passport reached its 10th birthday in 2006, and so  I needed a renewal. Frankly, it was a piece of piss. Fill in da form off the Internet, attach a couple of recent snaps, write out a cheque (euros, natch) and send the ensemble to the embassy in Paris. New passport came back within days, by courier for which I'd been happy to pay extra. No doctor, lawyer etc signature rubbish here!

On the other hand, my pension fund (railways - 38 years undetected crime) about every 15 months writes to me and demands proof of my continued existence. Their form is in English, so I have to find a French doctor or lawyer (I've used both) who will certify that I'm still upright - ok, so slouching as usual -on a form that, for all they know, actually certifies on behalf of the French Government that they relinquish all rights to Calais!

Termietermite may have been Mrs Dudley since 17.8.1974 (poor cow!), but as far as France is concerned, she is still Deborah Miller, and she'd better know her Gran's maiden name too!