The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Leftie]

I went into C&A in Pompey yesterday looking for a prezzie for the misses.

On my way out, I had to walk through the ladies undies section and WOW saw what I thought she'd like.

So on smooching around, I selected some really sexy combinations with see through lace panties, silk panties, peephole bras etc.

At the checkout, the young assistant was holding up each item individually so every bugger could see.

When she lifted up the lace panties, some bright spark behind me said   '  How can you tell the front from the back?'

The young assistant looked at him and said  'it's marked C and A'.

[amazing 1]

Do you know what a Yankee is ?
No.
It's the same as a Quickee,but a guy can do it by himself.   

[vqdave]

Today the police closed Liverpool airport after a suspicious car was found parked outside.

Its was fully taxed and insured.....

[Andy Zarse]

Most of you will know that Mike Reid from Eastenders died at the weekend. He was a great stand up comedian long before he became a soapstar. One of Mike's favourites......



This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and shouts, "Where's the ****ing Manager you c*ck-sucking *rse wipe?" The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."


The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the ****ing manager of this sh*t-heap?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Oh  **** off will you" replies the bloke. "Where's the ****ing piano?"


"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the man the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep scratching my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a w*nk over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"I ****ed you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping sp*nk on your shoes?".

"Know it?" the pianist replies, "I ****ing wrote it!"

*********************


R.I.P. Mike

[Leftie]

R.I.P. Mike

I have to agree to that Andy.

His days as a 'stand up' will never be matched.

[Leftie]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter
asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on
a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I
directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled,
"Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" he asked


"Just a couple of minutes ago!!"

[Leftie]

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
GET BLONDE GENIES?


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a
lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and
gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been
granted three wishes.  The guy makes his three wishes and
the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows he's in a bedroom in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women.  He makes love to all of
them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels
something soft under his feet - he looks down and the floor
is covered in $100 bills.

Then there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in
K K K outfits.  They drag him outside to the nearest tree,
throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's
dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods;
its the two blonde genies.  One blonde genie says to the
other one,"  I can understand the first wish, having all
these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I
can also understand him wanting to be a  millionaire.......
but why he wanted to be hung like a black man, is beyond
me?!"

[SteveB]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched
into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this
ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely
woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry
figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.
He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter
woman than before.

She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry
saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another
level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad
of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really
liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure
enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed
woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him.
He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks
over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos.
The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[pretzel]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks,
"What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father," Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies,
"The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t

[Catchpole]

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:

Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities.

The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

[Leftie]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?," says the 7 year old, "I think it's about
time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in
approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then
you swear after me, ok?"  The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old
what he wants for breakfast?

"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".

WHACK!!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f***ing
life It won't be Coco Pops"

[Bob U]

The wit of Tommy Cooper

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a
>turtle disaster.
>
>I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
>said, "No, permanent."
>
>I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
>it's P something T something R.
>
>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
>down.
>
>I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
>you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>
>I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
>I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
>
>Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
>T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
>hand."
>
>I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
>Volkswagen with no driver.
>
>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
>Before End'
>
>I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No,
>just a watch."
>
>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
>said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"  (this one is my favourite)
>
>I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went
>on and on.
>
>
>The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
>work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>
>I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
>"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana. "He said, "No, this is for
>the custard."
>
>This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
>He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
>
>I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I
>said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
>
>I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
>outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
>
>This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
>
>I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
>first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
>
>I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
>promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
>been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
>director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
>what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
>
>I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
>cat in there.
>
>I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
>shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
>counts.
>
>I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
>said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
>
>I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
>splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
>Thursdays."
>
>I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
>Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
>He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
>

[Leftie]

A Brazilian, an Iraqi, and a Cockney are in the same bar in Camden.

When the Brazilian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in
the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to
pieces.   He says, "In Brazil our glasses are so cheap we
don't need to drink with the Same one twice".

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and
shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so
much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with
the same one twice either."

The Cockney, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer,
downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips
out his 9mm, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.

Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a
refill, he says,  "In London we have so many illegal
Brazilians and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same
ones twice."

[rcutler]

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

[rcutler]

50 Things to do in a Lift:

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"