The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Pidgeon]

To continue my joke .....................

[Pidgeon]

damn .......... I sure do have difficulty trying to tell a joke

Anyway   she got up, pulled the plug on the tv and threw out my beer

there ...i got the sonofabitch

the last transmissions went by themslves

now how do I send this one

[garyfrogeye]

Jack and Jills first day at school and at lunchtime the teacher asks Jack if he had a good first morning
Jack says "Yes, Jill and I played in the sand pit.
Teacher; "Well Jack, if you can spell sand, I'll let you go home early"
Jack; "S-A-N-D"
Teacher; "very good, off you go"

Soon after, the teacher sees Jill and askes her if she had a good first morning at school.
Jill; "yes I played in the sand pit with Jack"
Teacher; "very good. If you can spell sand you can go home early"
Jill; "S-A-N-D"
Teacher; Thats very good, off you go"

five minutes later the teacher sees little Winston Agobo and he askes him if he's enjoyed his first morning at school.
"No I haven't" says little Winston.
Teacher; "Why ever not"?
Winston; "because Jack and Jill were playing in the sand pit and they wouldn't let me join in and play them"
Teacher; "But that is Racial discrimination. Now if you can spell Racial Discrimination.........................................

[fagey]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[Steve Pyro]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
 
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No."
 
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
 
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

[Steve Pyro]

The Royal Navy recently hosted an International 'Sub Fest' to which the attending world nations sent some of the most advanced submarines currently in service.  The attending 'boats' apparently demonstrated some of the most advanced propulsion machinery available at this time.

To mark the end of the event (in true 'Boys Own' fashion) the RN hosted a submarine race. The race was later reported as having been 'tremendous fun' for those participating;  with the result being apparently  very close indeed and possibly open to 'interpretation'.

The attached image was taken at the official finishing line  -  Can you spot the winner???

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[Robspot]

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[Mezza]

 

[Leftie]

'nough said!!

[Black Granny]

MUM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"if you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished
cleaning"

MUM TAUGHT ME RELIGION
" you better pray that will come out of the carpet "

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL
" if you don't clean up , I'll knock you into the middle of next week "

MUM TAUGHT ME LOGIC
" because I said so , that's why "

MUM TAUGHT ME IRONY
" keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about "

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLE OF OSMOSIS
"shut your mouth and eat your dinner "

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM
" will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA
"you'll sit there until all your tea is gone "

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER
"it looks like a tornado went through your room !"

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY
"if I told you once, I've told you a thousand times -- don't
exaggerate!"

MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"stop acting like your father !"

AND MOST OF ALL ----- MUM TAUGHT ME " THE CIRCLE OF LIFE "
I brought you into this world , and I can take you out "

[Jules G]

Exercise Routine

you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! !

SCROLL DOWN...





































































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Chocolate.   

[Jules G]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
 
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
 
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
  He told them the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done, and there was a huge meal on the table.
 
Billy said that he had married a Lancashire lass, from Bolton.
 He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were; to keep the house cleaned, dishes done, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
  He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye.  Enough to fix himself a bite to eat load the dishwasher and call a landscape gardener.

[Bob U]

Shamelessly copied from Beermountain.



http://kineticnorth.com/TS/

[Andy Zarse]

Shamelessly copied from Beermountain.



http://kineticnorth.com/TS/

And on the same site is the final chapter of the new Harry Potter.....

http://kineticnorth.com/

[Jules G]

The True Value of a Drink
 
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not