The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Mezza]

Jerry...i am absolutely convinced that nobody can say that...but i will practice whole year!!!! Estonian is a bit easier...
kuulilennuteetunneliluuk...not the longest word in estonian...but the longest palindrome ...it means cannonballs flyway


< No chat - just jokes please >

[Steve Pyro]

A Plumber gets caught on "Builders from Hell" shagging the houseowner's dog on cctv.
Woman sues him but the judge dismisses the case as he was corgi registered

[Steve Pyro]

SUMMER BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQing, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

[1] The woman buys the food.

[2] The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

[3] The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

[4] THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

[5] The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

[6] The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

[7] THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

[8] The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

[9] After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

[10] Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

[11] The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

[nopanic - neil]

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwillantsiliogogogoch,

I'm glad to see that someone got the spelling right. I'd like to here you trying to say it though. I'm lucky in that score, I'm WELSH.

Our moto is ' British by Birth, Welsh by the Grace of God'.

Steve, I just hope in my heart you are as well.

Jerry

Why is it there are 2 x crossings coming out of South Wales, both free to come from Wales to England, yet you have to pay to go to Wales? 



< No chat - just jokes please >

[rcutler]

When the second crossing opened I thought, maybe the fools over there would think about charging opposite directions! Then you would go to wales on one bridge and back on the other! Shame they actually thought about it!


< No chat - just jokes please >

[Steve Pyro]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that?

And Man said, 'Yes!'

And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'.

And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'.

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
 
God then said, 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable T.V. with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said, 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied,

'Yes, And super size 'em'.

And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled, and created the National Health Service.

[nickliv]

Newsflash

Ireland is experiencing its worst ever air disaster.

A Cessna 152 has crashed into a churchyard in Kerry.

Police have recovered 274 bodies, and expect to find more as digging continues through the night.

[nickliv]

For Sale

Invisible Jack Russell Puppies.

Both parents can be seen.

[Mezza]

2 Irishmen are making letter bombs. Pat says 'mick do you think i've put enough explosives in this envelope.' 'Don't know' says Mick 'open it and see!' 'But it will explode' says Pat.  ' Don't be f**k*n stupid, it's not addressed to you!'

[enzo]

IRELAND!!!!
Jesus was in heaven one day looking for his father but he couldnt find him anywere Jesus was starting to get worried for his father was gone a long time. About 4 hours passed and God rose up true the cloads Jesus ran over to him and said father were have you been father? i was worried sick!! God turned and said do not be worried my son for i have created a beautiful place. Jesus asked what have you created father??GOD said move the clouds and gaze on my creaation. Jesus asked what is this blue and green ball father?? it is earth my son i shall put life on it. What are the green parts? Jesus asked.
God said they are countries my son thats were ill put my greatset creation man. oh okay father but this seems
to good to be true. God said no its not my son on it will be balance! Balance? Jesus said. yes my son balance look at south america that shall be an evil place full of red necks and stupid people and you look at
north america and its the complete opposite good and bad thats balance!! Jesus said oh okay! hey Dad whats that place over there?? God said with a smile on his face ahhh son that is the best of all! the emerald isle thats were im puttin the IRISH!!! The Irish? said Jesus.. Yes son the people that live there will be the happiest and friendliest people on earth the will travel the globe and settle everywhere the shall build the earth and make it great. They shall invent a black liquid and have the best craic with it.. Craic? said Jesus. you will see son just wait. Jesus looked at his father with confusion??? but Father this place sounds to good to be true what about balance?? God looked at Jesus with a grin on his face and said yes son it is to good to be true because wait until you see the w**k*rs! im gonna put beside them

[Nobby Diesel]

Muscular Contractions


A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"

She replied, "Usually playing golf with his buddies."

[Mezza]

A guy asks a woman: " You want to play magic?" She asks: "What is magic?" He says:" We go to my place, we drink, we talk, we f...k, you disappear!"

[Jules G]

PENDING MARRIAGE


My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car........

 

[Steve Pyro]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" !
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
 
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

[Pidgeon]

 :(A husband and wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her ' I never want to ive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids in a bottle. If that ever happens, pull the plug.