The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Leftie]

House prices in Yorkshire have risen dramatically now that they have running water!

[Jules G]

Darwin 2007 Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us, who've done their bit for the human species by removing themselves from contention in it. 
Here is the glorious winner:

 1.      When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. 

 And now, the honourable mentions:
 2.      The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

 3.      A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 4.      After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 5.      An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 6.      A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

 7.      Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the  would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 8.      As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.  Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
 
9.      The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

(*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)

 10.  When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[Christopher]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless. He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.
 
"What's up?" asks Robbie.  Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

[Leftie]

An Engineer passes away sudenly and St. Peter wouldn't let him in.
So he goes down to Hell.

After a while, he meets Satan and puts a few proposals to him to make things a bit more comfortable down there.

So, after a few weeks, they have running water, flush loos and airconditioning.

After a few months, they have a tramway and a monrail up and working.

God 'phones up Satan regarding thier bi-annual meeting and Satan suggests he hosts the meeting.

God arrives down and is amazed at what he saw. So he asks Satan whats going on?

Satan replies saying that God sent an Engineer down and he did all this.

God says, 'It must have been a mistake, we want him back'.

Satan declines,

God said, ' Its obviously a mistake, I'll swap a few from there for him'

Satan declines the generous offer.

God Said, ' I'll sue you'.

Satan replies, ' and where the f**k are you going to find a lawyer!'

[Jules G]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
>>front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
>>out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off
>>the driver's door.
>>Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
>>accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But,
>>before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
>>screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked
>>up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the
>>same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
>>After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
>>head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
>>lawyers are,"
>>he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the
>>most important things in life."
>>"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
>>The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
>>It
>>got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
>>"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.
>>
>>(scroll down)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"MY ROLEX!"

[nopanic - neil]

Sorry its long, but good it parts.

Global Politics and commerce in action

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

WELSH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

A SCOTTISH CORPORATION:
You put a fur coat on one and claim a new breed, you shove a scaffolding tube up the behind of the other one, blow hard and try to make music, well sort of...

AN ENGLISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a license to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out.

They charge you five times the cost of doing it.

They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety. You have to buy the CE approved five legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by four kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg.

To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special CE marked trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your license to milk the cows.

You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you naff all for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows.

The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they.

You sell your cows to a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home.

They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred...

[Werner]

An American farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose...

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.







Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

[Steve Pyro]

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)?

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay?

(UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia?

(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?

(USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can

Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the

Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?

(USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[nopanic - neil]

For Health & Safety people out there,

NELSON SPEAKS TO HARDY ON THE EVE OF TRAFALGAR

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy!"

[nopanic - neil]

Not sure if has been posted before, but as it's holiday season and people will be flying soon, here's a little bit to think about when flying.

All too rarely, airline attendant make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their announcements a bit more entertaining.
 
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
************************************************** ******
On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentelman, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
************************************************** ******
On landing the stewardess said "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
************************************************** ******
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 4 ways out of this airplane."
************************************************** ******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
************************************************** ******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington International, a lone voice came over the loud speaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
************************************************** ******
###After a particularly tough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
************************************************** ******
###"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face
If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are travelling with more than one small child....pick your favourite."
************************************************** ******
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
************************************************** ******
###And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
************************************************** ******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airplane's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!" (OMG...... that was just ridiculously corny)
************************************************** ******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
************************************************** ******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tub, we hope that you'll think of US Airways."

[Jules G]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:
"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
 'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
 'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'

[Leftie]

Police Van gets bogged down

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MvdpYgX4f7Q

It's about time they got their feet wet. Make a change from 'Wet behind the ears'. Which most of them are.

Hopefully the've learnt something, particularly that w**k*r of a driver.

Jerry

ps. loved it Peter.

[SteveB]

NEWSFLASH..........

42 people have been stuck to the floor of an airport terminal in Belfast, Police belive Irish Muslims have detonated a no more nails bomb

[Steve Pyro]

Two tourists are driving through Wales. As they're approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwillantsiliogogogoch, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the Towns name.



They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they stand at the counter, one of the tourists asks the blonde employee behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us, would you please pronounce where we are....very slowly ".









She replied "Burrrrr-gerrrrrr-Kiiiiiing"!

[Leftie]

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwillantsiliogogogoch,

I'm glad to see that someone got the spelling right. I'd like to here you trying to say it though. I'm lucky in that score, I'm WELSH.

Our moto is ' British by Birth, Welsh by the Grace of God'.

Steve, I just hope in my heart you are as well.

Jerry