The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Snoring Rhino]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to
 audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he
 turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What
 do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
 back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
 box of candles."
 
        "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
 unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his
 obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do
 with the crumbs?"
 
 "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was
 trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and
 send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a
 free box of holy biscuits."
 
        "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
 fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you
 do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
 
  "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
 save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about
 once a year they send us a complete prick ".

 

[Snoring Rhino]

A Grandson goes to visit his Grandmother.
Gran says to her grandson, "help me put in this supository will you dear"
Grandson blushes and says OK.
So Gran drops her draws and bends over.
Grandson looks down and says "Do I put in the Brown Hole or feed it to the Turkey"?

[Leftie]

An atheist goes on holiday to the Northern Territories of Canada.

He was walking in the woods when he heard a noise behind him. He turn and found a 12ft high Grizzly Bear ready to grab him, mouth wide open and claws open.

Suddenly there was a small but very bright penetrating light between the atheist and the bear and both seamed frozen in time. The light grew bigger and bigger and then the atheist heard a voice…………..

‘Atheist, this is GOD here, will you believe in me?’ the voice said.

The atheist replied………..’No, I do not believe in you so leave me alone’.

The GOD replied……….’Atheist, if you believe in me I will save you from the grizzly bear in front of you and you may continue to live a long life’.

The atheist replied………..’No, I do not believe in you, but if you want to convert somebody, why not convert the bear’.

After a second or two GOD replied…………’that’s an idea, OK’. Where upon the bright light faded to nothing.

The bear started rubbing his claws together and with a gaping mouth said………………
’For what I am about to receive may the Lord make me truly thankful’!!!.

[SteveB]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F*** me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f***ing-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In f***ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

[termietermite]

At a recent computer expo Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that if GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving round in £25.00 cars that did 1,000 miles per gallon.

In response, GM issued a press release stating.
If GM developed technology like Microsoft we would all the driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason.  You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the engine, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.  Occasionally, executing a manouevre such as a left hand turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would sell to only 5% of the population.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7.The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
8.Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9.  Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would be in the same place.
10.  You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[LangTall]

10.  You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Which is, in fact, what I have to do in my French car!

[SteveB]

How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Just phone up and say you can't come.

[Jules G]

Who said Brits Aren't Romantic?

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top Notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me grannie's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the racing’s on
And fetch another beer

[Lancs Se7en]

This may have been posted earlier
MAUDE & MABLE

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Christopher]


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not
afford a larger bed.
 
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want
to have any more children.
 
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the
problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative,! " said the doctor, "is to go
home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can
then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"
 
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I
don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
 
"Trust me," said the doctor.
 
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up
to his ear and began to count...
 
"1"
 
"2"
 
"3"
 
"4"
 
"5"
 
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting
on his other hand.
 
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Arkansas, Mississippi, and
West Virginia, Norfolk, Scotland and Wales.

[Christopher]

One for the ladies.......

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to
stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I
don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are
you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20
years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless
woman was shocked. "Won 't your husband be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

 

[nickliv]

'Knock Knock'

'Who's there?'

'Michael'

'Michael who?'

'Oh well, that's F1 for you'

[Bob U]

There were three old black ladies packing ready for a flight accross the Atlantic.

The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane"

"Why yo gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cos, if dat plane goes down an I'm out der butt up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first"

The second lady says, "Well I is gonna wear me some floooresent orange panties"

"Why yo gonna wear dem" The others ask.

The second lady answers. "Cos if dis hareplane goes down an I'se floatin butt up in de oshun dey is gonna find me first"

The third old lady says. " Well I ain't gonn wear me no panties"

"What? no panties" the others asked in disbelief.

"Dat's right, yoo heard me I ain't wearing no panties" the third lady said "Cos if dis here plane goes down, honey, dey always look for de black box first"

[Steve Pyro]

Things that should not be said - (I'm sure this has been on here before?)

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew.'

USPGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kKisses them..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'so Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddles up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
Shorts.'

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[nickliv]

And the then editor of the daily mirror interviewed on the evening news on the mysterious disappearance of Robert Maxwell.

When asked about the possibility of Maxwells suicide he replied 'I spoke to him last night, and he was in a very buoyant mood'