The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[fagey]

A little girls dad goes out hunting and comes back with a deer which he then prepares for dinner. The little girl, sees the unusual meat on her plate and asks dad what it is. He says, " it's what your mummy calls me sometimes". "I'm not eating that!", screams the little girl, "It's a f***ing ar*ehole!"

[johnevans3]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looked it over.  He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

[Doris]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

[Jules G]

Seven Dwarfs.
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see The Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. Dopey my son," says the Pope "what can I do for You?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and Answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers Dopey:    "There are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.  Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there
ANY dwarf Nuns Anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey shagged a penguin!" "Dopey shagged a penguin!"

[Douglas]

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

[Jules G]

DIET
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put
him on a diet.


"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next
time I see you, you should have lost at least 5
pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by
having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you
follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by
jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd
day."

"From hunger, you mean?"


"No, from fookin' skippin'

[SteveB]

AA young man walks onto the stage of the  TV show "Stars in their Eyes", on Crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. The
compare Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you
to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what
happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright
but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours. Before I was
eventually cut free. the doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they
couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they Artificial?'
asks Matthew.
No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his
body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been
having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again
by the end of the year.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Matthew responds with
that's an unbelievable story".
So tonight, who are you going to be?'
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be " Simon and Halfuncle "

[Bob U]

The Vicars Chickens
 
Why you should make sure you think before you speak...
 
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
 
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
 
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
 
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" 
All the men stood up.
 
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
 
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them”?
Half the women stood up !
 
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
 
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up

[Lawnmower Man]

why was the goat in church....?

[Lord Steve]

A farmer has perfected a way of growing dildos in his field.
Trouble is, he's having problems with squatters!

[Lord Steve]

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm.

His wife is sat up in bed reading.

He says "This is the pig I make love to when you've got a headache"

The wife looks up and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep"

The man replies "I think you'll find I'm talking to the sheep"

[Leftie]

Q.     How many cars can you get under a mini skirt?

A.     1000 Corsairs and one red mini.

[Jules G]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when  the new bride says to the husband, "I
have a confession to make, I'm not a  virgin."
 
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
 
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
 
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
 
"Tiger Woods."
 
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
 
"Yeah."
 
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."
 
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
 
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
 
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
 
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."
 
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
 
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
 
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
 
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.
 
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now wh
 at are
you doing?" she asks.
 
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."
 
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
 
"Oh yeah
 ? What would Tiger do?"
 
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
 
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.
 
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.
 
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
 
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."

[nopanic - neil]

A lady went to her priest one day and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two talking parrots, which are males, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible.

"Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Paul and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... er, that phrase.. in no time."

"Thank you," the woman replied, "that may very well be the solution." So the next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and reciting prayers. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Then one male parrot looked over at the other male and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Paul! Our prayers have been answered!"

[fagey]

 Peter Kay one liners....


1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. 
 I said  'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, 
so I stole one and  asked  him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife  to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
 I don't  get  on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I  ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston  Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened  criminals.
 
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different  names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones 
may  break my bones but names will never hurt me', 
and it worked! From there on  it was sticks and stones all the way.
 
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', 
which is  probably  why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: 
If you don't have a good partner,  you  better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour  said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
 
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made
out  of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous  and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want  sex? 
 No, me  neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 
 I  think  I've forgotten this before