The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Bob U]

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[Nordic]

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.


The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge, fat profit!!"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

[nopanic - neil]

For all of those who have flown recently -funny air traffic controllers quotes

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

more to follow......

[Doris]

Why you should always shut the door...

[Bob U]

 Four guys were in a bar. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room.

The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says : Damn, My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion especially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

 

[johnevans3]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.  They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit
complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said  loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.  A
couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as
they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this
wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.The mother gave him
a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large
woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a
beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing
up!!"

[fagey]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog’s cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let’s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I’m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he’s cross-eyed? "
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No, because he’s really heavy."

[fagey]

[Snoring Rhino]

How true......

[nickliv]

1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime artist next door went nuts.

2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

4. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

5. The speed of light is equal to the wavelength multiplied by the frequency of an electromagnetic wave (microwaves and visible light are both examples of electromagnetic waves). So what's the speed of dark?

6. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

7. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

8. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

9. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

10. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

11. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

13. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

14. Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?

15. Whose cruel idea was it for the word `lisp' to have an 's' in it?

16. How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

17. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

18. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

19. Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

20. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

21. Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?

22. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

23. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

24. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

25. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

26. When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

27. Do fish get cramps after eating?

27. Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

29. Why do scientists call it 'research' when they are looking for something new?

30. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

31. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

32. Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

33. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.

34. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

35. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

36. Why is it that fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dish-washing liquid contains real lemons?

37. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?

38. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

39. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

40. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

41. Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as '4s'?

42. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

43. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

44. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

45. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

46. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

47. Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?

48. I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

49. If all those psychic’s know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

50. Isn't the best way to save face should be to keep the lower part shut?

[termietermite]

What to wear when SWMBO wants you to help with the housework

[Bob U]

NEWS FLASH  NEWS FLASH

Jamaican police have arrested the Pakistani cricket team's bus driver.
Apparently he misunderstood the instruction to give the coach the full throttle.

[nopanic - neil]

Group Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children…
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve
even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

[Steve Pyro]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......



Dave.......








Dave........












Dave........









For Christ's sake......you're a bloody vet

 

 

[Bob U]

Taliban Dating Agency