The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[termietermite]

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in.
She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me - this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she says, "Thanks" and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he says, "What was that all about?"
"The egg timer's broken."

[nopanic - neil]

For those who have those wonderful motivation posters in their office,  try these - 

   

 



for more see http://www.despair.com/viewall.html

also worth alook a their demotivation videos - http://theater.despair.com/selfnarrativespreview.html

[fagey]

old but good..

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story......


In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank.. But I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish.. The dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches.. And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear... And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.




NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.

[nickliv]

A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

”Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"

[Steve Pyro]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where",  he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,

"Then your stance is too wide."   

[Steve Pyro]

Norwich ( pronounced Naaaaaarch ) was invented in 1923 and is kept in
Norfolk where it has lived for the past 83 years.

Norwich has a population of approximately 2500 of which 2438 are related to
each other and the rest are classed as " Furriners" who have
decided to settle in Norwich from beyond the great Horizon.

Vocabulary
 
Here are some useful Norwich phrases and words:

Naarigde Yoonyun - Major Norfolk employer

Thang Kyer - Spoken at high speed, used by Norfolk shop assistants when
accepting money.

How're yer getting arn buh? - Norfolk greeting

Rup Bah - Variation on the above

Hair - Here

Shicagoo's - Nightspot on Prince of Wales Road, Norwich

Bare - Sold by the pint in Shicagoo's

Is that roight? - Comment to show that attention is being paid to the
speaker

Ass a Jook - I'm just kidding

Khazi - Suburb on the western edge of Narridge

Tross - Suburb on the southside of Narridge

Windam - Small town south of Narridge (Sensible abbreviation of it's proper
name : Wymundimunidundim)

Loose-tarfed - East coast fishing port

Card - Traditionally eaten with chips, might well have been caught off
Loose-tarfed

KooDee - Discount shop at the top of St Stephens, Norwich

Hum Base - DIY store

Fooze - Electrical component on sale at Hum Base

Fool - Petrol or Diesel

Stoop ud - Term applied to very silly people

Gatoo - Sticky chocolate cake

Foo too or Fota - Get these developed at Boots

Sproight - Fizzy lemon drink

Boost - To Brag about ones achievements

Jargon - Like running, but at a more leisurely pace

Ar ya orrite, bor - Good Morning

Ar ya orrite, bor Good Afternoon

Ar ya orrite, bor - Good Evening

Hay ya gittin arn tagether? - Hello

Yow siller owld fule - Comment made to someone displaying "backward"
tendancies

How fer ar ya doin' bor? - How are you?

Loight ar$e - Lighthouse

Haysbra (Happisburgh) - Coastal village with a loight ar$e

Hunstan Hunstanton - Coastal village

Furriners - People who come from anywhere outside of Thetford

Thas a rumman - Not quite up to scratch

Blast Bor, yow git a ding-a-tha-lug - I'm going to hit you now

Fare t' middlin - I'm doing quite well

Bishy Barny Bee - A Ladybird

Thas a Bit on the Huh - That's a bit wonky/uneven

Traa'er - a farming vehicle

cumbine airvista - an agricultural vehicle

carra rud - a place where narj people go to watch their football team lose

ur day - to day

wot yoo up to urday - what are you doing today

ouver hair / ouver ere - im over here

i / yoo/ ee/ shee gooo - i/ you / hee/ she went to/ goes to

ci'ee - as in naaarch ci'ee a place for shopping

noo idare - no idea/ don't know

gunna - going to

   

[Bob U]

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The Dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.

[Werner]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

[Christopher]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to  answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes  it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a  Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love  the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting  room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing  the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You  shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say  things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told  you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some  embarrassment in this room full of people. You  should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions  in a room full of strangers, if the answer could  embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several  minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,  knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong  with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose.

[Christopher]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?"

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then  the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, " What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream.............

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[Christopher]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new Club 'Sweeties', fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre. I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, i'm a bit of a hard case , I'll look after you".  Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me"  and off they went.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, the "hard case" Smartie hides under the table.  The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh, After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and says "I thought you were going to look after me ?".  "I was" says the Smartie "but those Lockets are bloody menthol!!"

[johnevans3]

http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/556783/jokeid/125744

[Bob U]

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night having
a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
the same one twice."
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass topieces and says:
"Well mate, in Oz we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African
and the Australian and then says:
"In London we have so many f**k*ng South Africans and Australians that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

[Christopher]

The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
 

So they met and it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."


 

[Bob U]

LIFE WOULD BE GREAT IF IT WERE BACKWARDS

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way...

Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
 
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start
work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you
party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby.

And then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury , in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
day...And then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.