The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Christopher]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he
asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
passionate love.


Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and
again they made love.


Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey?
Please?




Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled
over and fell asleep.


Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the
shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"


His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

[termietermite]

[Christopher]

That is top draw material!

[johnevans3]

I think I'm going to try this next time.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

[nickliv]

What's the difference between the Israeli army and Peter Andre?
































The israeli army knew when to pull out of Jordan.

[nickliv]

HOW MEN THINK.

 I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.
 We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we
 used to enjoy together.
 
 I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
 meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic".
 
 "Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.

 I'm a bit older and a bit heavier than when you last saw me."
 
 She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
 "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a
 waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

 

 She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
 She teased me saying that tubby  men were cute - as long as they are not bald, and she was
 sure I would still be a great lover.
 Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
 
 So I told her to f**k off.

[Fran]

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here"?!

 

F

[termietermite]

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here"?!

 

F

No need to get personal, Fran!

[nopanic - neil]

Saw this on google earth, not sure where it is

[nopanic - neil]

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend
along shopping This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a
customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card,
the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family
from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
 
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code
3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
 
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas
stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.
 
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares
aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
 
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK
ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager

[Bob U]

His first offence was on 15th June. The question has to be asked, what the hell was he doing in Tesco with his wife anyway? He should have been at Le Mans

[fagey]

His first offence was on 15th June. The question has to be asked, what the hell was he doing in Tesco with his wife anyway? He should have been at Le Mans

Hang him.. the judicial system demands it!!

[Bob U]

Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker




Women's English

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?




Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

[Andy]

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your

womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with

cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the

soap.

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!
Oh, and... woo-woo!!!

[johnevans3]

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after, headlines in the
UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year
copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced
high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: "After digging as
deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas
inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

PS: Don't Mess with Texas