The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Steve Pyro]

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[neilsie]

Announcement from Apple Computers

 

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women’s breast implants.

The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough as women through time have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Steve Pyro]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have an seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.  Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[neilsie]

 In today's news .....

Police in Alabama have found the body of a black man hanging from a tree, his arms & legs had been cut off , he had been set on fire and shot seven times, 4 bullets to his chest & three to his back.

The local sheriff said it was the worst suicide he had ever seen.

[Stu]

If You Loved Me You'd Squeeze It

[Snoring Rhino]

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, they got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room,
she flopped on the bed and said, “Charles, darling, please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!'

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

“Harder!' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on! Give it all you've got!' she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,'There! Oh God, that feels so good!'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that she was still a virgin!'

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!'

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!

[Christopher]

Why I fired my Secretary......

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
 
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
 
I thought... Ah well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....they'll remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
 
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning, and by the way boss, Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
 
Let's go!"
 
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. Instead, she chose a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner."
 
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment, I'll be right back." "Ok." I replied nervously. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
 
And I just sat there....
 
 
 
 
On the couch....
 
 
 
 
Bollock naked.

[Lawnmower Man]

I'm not really sure this is a joke but it made me laugh.

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/

I'd sign it but the govt would use it to say that we a not taking the petitions seriously if it gets too popular.
Can he blame us?

t.

[mgmark]

I'm not really sure this is a joke but it made me laugh.

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/

I'd sign it but the govt would use it to say that we a not taking the petitions seriously if it gets too popular.
Can he blame us?

t.

Brillliant - what a lovely thought.  Very topical too, given the news today that the government has woken up to the popularity of the road pricing petition and is going to e-mail everyone who has signed it to explain the policy and "bust the myths" - hhmmm, wonder if they realise that they will in all likelihood get a flood of replies back??......

MG Mark

[nickliv]

Two Aberdeen Farmers, Tam & Shuie, were sitting in `The Farmer's Bar`.
Tam
 
turns to Shuie and says "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o`gan through life wi`oot
an education. T`morn I think I'll ging doon tae the community college and
sign up for some classes".
Shuie thinks it's a good idea and the twa leave.
 
The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic courses, Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic" Tam says Fit`s 'at"?

The lecturer says "I'll show you. Do you own a strimmer?"
"Aye".
"Then logically because you own a strimmer I think you have a garden".
"That's true. I dae ha` a garden".
"I'm not done," the lecturer says. "Because you have a garden I think logically that you have a house."
"Aye, I dae hae a hoose."
"And because you have a house, I think that logically you have a family".
"I huv a family"
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife".
"Yer nae wrang ,I dae hae a wife"
"And because you have a wife then logically you must be heterosexual".
"I am heterosexual" says Tam "That's amazing!! you were able to find a` that
oot jist because I hae a strimmer".

Excited to take the classes now, Tam shakes the lecturer's hand and leaves tae met Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie aboot his classes how he had signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Shuie says "Fit`s at".
Tam says "Dae ye hae a strimmer?"
"No"
"Well then yer a poof"

[Christopher]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him that, crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.
The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[nickliv]

A young man went for a proper massage, and to his delight, his masseuse was absolutely gorgeous. About halfway through he began to get an erection, he tried to make it go away, but to no avail.

The masseuse noticed it, and said 'perhaps sir would like a w**k' to which he replied 'oh, erm, yes'

So the masseuse left the room, the young guy lay on the table waiting for her to return.

About 20 minutes later she popped her head round the door 'Finished?' she asked.

[neilsie]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Ah well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....they'll remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning, and by the way boss, Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. Instead, she chose a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment, I'll be right back." "Ok." I replied nervously. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there....




On the couch....




Stark naked.

[Bob U]

Scroll up six replys . Pay attention at the back

[Christopher]

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
 
The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I gotta ask you sumthin'. Be gentle with me 'cause I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.

When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what in tarnation're you doin' here, dang it? You're supposed ta be on your honeymoon with your new gal!"

The son says, "Pa, she told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin, durn it!"

"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"