The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[jpchenet]

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.


The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.


The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"   

"But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
 

The third piggy says -
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Bob U]

I thought you would have finished those Christmas Crackers by now Mark

[Bob U]

The finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts.

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This
Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:"There's something big growing between my legs."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" George.

[rcutler]

 

[Christopher]

Easy Rider

 

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs; a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

 

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. It's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?

 

The doctor says,  You're perfectly healthy, there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy??

 

The woman stammers, Why, yes, but how did you know??

 

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

[nickliv]

[nickliv]

Pinched from sniffpetrol.

[neilsie]

stupid yanks?

http://www.shoutfile.com/v/gSfSsCpR/Why_People_Believe_Americans_Are_Stupid

[termietermite]

A nice screen saver for you!
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
give him a quick nudge with your mouse if he gets stuck!

[Nobby Diesel]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they
had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so
they stopped
in
the
cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she
thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of
panties and  did
not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down
next to a  grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to
wipe with  that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned
that his
normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the  other
husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no
panties!!" "That's
nothing"
said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.
 

[nopanic - neil]

A man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss it with his vicar. The vicar gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss it with his doctor.

The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.

His family voted 14-4 in favor of it. 

[termietermite]

Saddam's cat

[Nobby Diesel]

Join BUPA now!

[Neil]

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 Mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 10mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

[neilsie]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is BLACK."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was BLACK."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has BLONDE hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see, the co-star in the

movie was this SWEDISH guy." "Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has SLANTED EYES."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was also a little CHINESE man in
the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts CRYING and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that she was going to BARK."