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Author Topic: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread  (Read 1029999 times)
Werner
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« Reply #1065 on: December 15, 2006, 12:51:01 pm »

To: All Employees
From: The program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
Date: TODAY
Re: S.H.I.T.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality
work and productivity from employees, it will be
our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you
do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see
your supervisor. You will be immediately placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors
are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.) .

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously
will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they
were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T.
anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If
you too are full of S.H.I.T. , you may be interested
in a job teaching others. We can add your name
to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) .

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
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"… to be honest, I did it purely for the money at first. I went to Le Mans
hoping that the car would break down. I came away in love with the place." - Eddie Irvine
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« Reply #1066 on: December 16, 2006, 03:18:54 pm »

Maud and Claude are both 91.

They met at the OAPs club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and,  much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.  Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights.
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« Reply #1067 on: December 18, 2006, 10:38:31 am »

A real groaner of a Christmas joke

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back to the front of the field only to be struck by a box of crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the steward's room to complain that he had been...


















seriously hampered.
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Werner
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« Reply #1068 on: December 18, 2006, 11:47:45 am »

stolen from another forum:

A man walks out of a bar staggering back and forth with his car key in his hand. A Cop on the beat sees him and approaches him and says "Can I help you sir?"
"Yesssh! Ssssssomebody hash stole my car!" the
man replies.
The Cop asks, "where was the car the last time
you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key!" the man replies.
At about that time the officer looks down to see
that the man's wiener is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down
woefully at his crotch and without missing a beat he blurts out
>>> >
>>> > >> > > > "Son-of-a-bitch,
>>> >
>>> > >> > > > they got my girlfriend too."
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hoping that the car would break down. I came away in love with the place." - Eddie Irvine
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« Reply #1069 on: December 19, 2006, 08:44:28 pm »

Thought I would throw this one in i'm probably breaking some rules here  Kiss with it being so long but worth reading especially if you try to fix your own car like I do Roll Eyes.

Let me know if it is too long and i will shorten it.

HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home maintenance of a car. For those who have not used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at car-owners who want to fix their own cars and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards.

They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
 
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, and then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Super Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.
The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the
engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!

THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL

All makes and models post-2000
For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes
Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:

Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount
of cash.
Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too
scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.   
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you
to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.   

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
 
 
 


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« Reply #1070 on: December 20, 2006, 11:50:38 am »

A chap staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow*job, a missionary s*hag, some doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a tit w*ank. Is that OK? The lady says: "It sounds intriguing sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line. "
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hoping that the car would break down. I came away in love with the place." - Eddie Irvine
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« Reply #1071 on: December 20, 2006, 12:06:47 pm »

Something seasonal...


* Turkey.jpg (36.57 KB, 422x500 - viewed 527 times.)
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« Reply #1072 on: December 21, 2006, 11:32:38 am »


A  'Down and Out' was going around knocking on doors to see if he could get any casual work to get some money to help out over the Christmas holidays.

He went to a big house and rang the bell.  A very well to do guy answered the door.  The Down and Out asked "do you have any odd jobs I can do for you".  The guy thought about it for a moment. "Yes" he replied. "wait here a moment"  He went inside and returned a tin of paint and a brush.

"You can paint my Porch for me."  " I have to got out right now I'll pay you when I get back."

The owner returned to find the down and out walking down the road and so he stopped and said "Is it done then?"

"Yes gov it's all done!",
"OK here's your money".
"Thank you gov."
"Oh by the way it's not a Porsche is a Ferrari!".
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« Reply #1073 on: December 29, 2006, 12:52:07 pm »

 A Blonde's Year in Review

January
 

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

               Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....

           box said "2-4 years!"

April

Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of

         water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,

        the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....

             car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of   California is "C".....isn't it???

October

Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour

                 per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"

Button on the stupid phone!!!

EXPOSURE

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond


female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.



She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.



A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,



opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.



As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,



marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.



Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"



To which she replied, "There certainly is!"




(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)




My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
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« Reply #1074 on: December 29, 2006, 01:19:49 pm »

There is a legend that goes like this:

In a bar in London there is a magical mirror.
If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish. If you lie – poof it swallows you up. OK

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar, they head straight for the mirror and the redhead says:

“I think I am the most beautiful woman in the world” Poof the mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up and says:

“I think I am the sexiest woman in the world” Poof the mirror swallows her up.

Last of all the blonde goes up and says:

“I think…” Poof!!
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« Reply #1075 on: January 02, 2007, 09:00:28 am »

limited supply of saddam t shirts left.. a bit tight around the neck, but hangs well Grin
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« Reply #1076 on: January 04, 2007, 10:17:23 am »

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
 His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:
 
 "Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."
 
 Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
 
 Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
 
 Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
 
 Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
 
 LETTER 1:
 
 Dear God,
 
 I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
 
 Your friend, Barry.
 
 Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up he letter and started over.
 
 LETTER 2:
 
 Dear God,
 
 This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
 
 Thank you,
 Barry.
 
 Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
 
 LETTER 3:
 
 Dear God,
 
 I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
 
 Your friend,
 Barry.
 
 Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
 
 Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad."Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
 
 Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
 
 He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
 
 Barry began to write his letter to God.
 
 LETTER 4:
 
 I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
 
 IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!

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« Reply #1077 on: January 05, 2007, 02:51:59 pm »

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« Reply #1078 on: January 06, 2007, 02:05:08 am »

Beer   Grin


http://www.onlyatest.org/jdjFiles/TuiBrewery.wmv
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« Reply #1079 on: January 09, 2007, 09:15:20 am »

Dear Abby

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Bob


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"… to be honest, I did it purely for the money at first. I went to Le Mans
hoping that the car would break down. I came away in love with the place." - Eddie Irvine
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