|
|
|
|
neilsie
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
 Offline
Posts: 312
KK
|
 |
« Reply #1022 on: November 17, 2006, 11:33:26 am » |
|
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.
Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and coming to rest in some nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
And that's when all the other bells started to ring.........
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
termietermite
|
|
« Reply #1023 on: November 17, 2006, 11:52:29 am » |
|
The bellringer who told himself off, no?
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"I couldn't sleep very well last night. Some noisy buggers going around in automobiles kept me awake." Ken Miles
|
|
|
|
mgmark
|
|
« Reply #1024 on: November 17, 2006, 12:58:14 pm » |
|
A wife was cooking fried eggs for breakfast her husband, when suddenly he burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! NOW! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" His wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving........
MG Mark
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." Mario Andretti
|
|
|
|
termietermite
|
|
« Reply #1025 on: November 17, 2006, 01:07:44 pm » |
|
A wife was cooking fried eggs for breakfast her husband, when suddenly he burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! NOW! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" His wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving........
MG Mark
Aren't the words "wife" and "husband" transposed here? |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"I couldn't sleep very well last night. Some noisy buggers going around in automobiles kept me awake." Ken Miles
|
|
|
|
mgmark
|
|
« Reply #1026 on: November 17, 2006, 01:20:27 pm » |
|
A wife was cooking fried eggs for breakfast her husband, when suddenly he burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! NOW! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" His wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving........
MG Mark
Aren't the words "wife" and "husband" transposed here? Just depends, I think, on your perspective........  . And let's not get onto whether or not blokes let their lady do any of the driving, except when they need driving home from the pub....  MG Mark |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." Mario Andretti
|
|
|
|
termietermite
|
|
« Reply #1027 on: November 17, 2006, 02:14:55 pm » |
|
Just depends, I think, on your perspective........ . And let's not get onto whether or not blokes let their lady do any of the driving, except when they need driving home from the pub.... MG Mark Of course you are right, Mark. Men never tell their wives how to drive. For me it's a straight choice - do I want to be criticised for my driving or my navigational skills? Which reminds me of the time when Mr Termite and I were on an MG Car Club treasure hunt. I drove and Mr T navigated, all the other couples did it the other way around. We won by country mile!!!  Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise a single egg? Because none of them will stop to ask the way. |
|
|
|
« Last Edit: November 17, 2006, 02:18:11 pm by termietermite »
|
Logged
|
"I couldn't sleep very well last night. Some noisy buggers going around in automobiles kept me awake." Ken Miles
|
|
|
neilsie
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
Offline
Posts: 312
KK
|
|
« Reply #1028 on: November 17, 2006, 02:44:58 pm » |
|
and relevant to me at the mo....
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their doorstep.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Doris
|
|
« Reply #1029 on: November 17, 2006, 02:59:07 pm » |
|
One morning while she was making breakfast a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
Deciding enough was enough she rolled over and grabbed him by his dangler.
With a death grip in place she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Live imperfectly and with great delight.
|
|
|
|
mgmark
|
|
« Reply #1030 on: November 17, 2006, 03:57:31 pm » |
|
A woman came home, screeched the car to a halt on the drive and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Darling, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." Mario Andretti
|
|
|
|
Werner
|
|
« Reply #1031 on: November 27, 2006, 02:52:32 pm » |
|
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher said to
Amy, "The AI man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I
drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So, the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him
down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy
blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the
cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"… to be honest, I did it purely for the money at first. I went to Le Mans
hoping that the car would break down. I came away in love with the place." - Eddie Irvine
|
|
|
neilsie
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
Offline
Posts: 312
KK
|
|
« Reply #1032 on: November 30, 2006, 12:56:26 pm » |
|
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his
'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother !"
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Kpy
|
|
« Reply #1033 on: November 30, 2006, 01:51:19 pm » |
|
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his
'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother !"
One morning while she was making breakfast a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
Deciding enough was enough she rolled over and grabbed him by his dangler.
With a death grip in place she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
Do pay attention, Neilsie!! |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Robspot
|
|
« Reply #1034 on: November 30, 2006, 04:17:56 pm » |
|
A little boy asks his mum "How come I'm black and you're white?"
"Don't ask" she replies "when I think back to that party... I'm amazed you don't bark!"
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I always stay too long. Long enough for something to go wrong
|
|
|
|
