The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Steve Pyro]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St. Patrick's Day.  Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus...I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"




Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"




"Mick phoned...You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[johnevans3]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather
dignified well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man
replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies,
perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out
ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they
went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see
Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two
nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts.
The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they
went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night but
he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session,
Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever hired me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?" she asked. The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said.

"Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to
give you your $3,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
     1. Death
     2. Taxes
     3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Steve Pyro]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

What part of broke do you not understand?

[Steve Pyro]

2 guys were stuck in the desert, desperate for water.

They struggle once again over the top of a sand dune and lo, below them, they see an Arab market full of people selling and buying food.

They rush down with thier last ounce of energy and go to the first stall, gasping "water, water"

The stall holder says " sorry, I only have a mixture of jelly and custard, topped with creme and cherries."

Deparate for a drink, they go to the next stall but the reply is "sorry, we only have blancmange with sweet biscuit base and chocolate sprinkles on top of double creme with a hint of sherry"

This goes on for every stall, them being offered rich puddings all the way.

Eventually they crawl to the top of the next dune, severely dehydrated and one says to the other.....on the brink of death...

"did that strike you as odd"; to which the other replies...............







"yes, it was a trifle bizarrre"...

[johnevans3]

British humor......heh Steve.

[Matt Harper]

British humor......heh Steve.

John
Trifle is a sloppy fruit pudding that English people eat at Christmas.
Bizarre/Bazzar..........
It's a sh*t joke anyway - even worse when you have to break it down.

[Bob U]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

[neilsie]

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So,
he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster
that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ted.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ted the rooster costs £3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ted.

The farmer takes Ted home and sets him down in the farmyard, but
first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself
now.

You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ted seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house
and Ted takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ted nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and
the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Ted is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Ted after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ted out
in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up
the next morning to find Ted on his back out in the middle of the
yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight
up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ted, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done
to yourself."

Ted opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

[Bob U]

A riddle for Monday Afternoon

[neilsie]

A fireman is polishing a fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That's a lovely fire engine," says the fireman admiringly.
"Thanks," says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
"Little colleague," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.
The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the cart, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says...
   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 






 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f***ing siren, would I?"   
 

[Bob U]

LOL  firstclass Neilsie

[amazing 1]

British humor......heh Steve.

John
Trifle is a sloppy fruit pudding that English people eat at Christmas.
Bizarre/Bazzar..........
It's a sh**t joke anyway - even worse when you have to break it down.

It was funnier when I did not understand it.

[Steve Pyro]

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.  "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."


The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" 

 

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

[Ferrari Spider]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003/s_heathrow-p1.php

[Ferrari Spider]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "and get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "for someone who can't fly you're a ballsy bastard!"