The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Robbo SPS]

I will need to talk to my mates who are obviously very slow in sending me their holiday photos , but how do get them first , do you know Mr and Mrs from nowhereville. ??

Smokie , i have 2 cars , getting 3 would be greedy .

Do i really need to push for 4 , you can only drive one at a time.

[Steve Pyro]

Smokie , i have 2 cars , getting 3 would be greedy .

Do i really need to push for 4 , you can only drive one at a time.

It's not about the cars, but the size of your member  

[Robbo SPS]

steve , this is what you are doing to my jokes !!

[Robbo SPS]

[attachment deleted by admin due to age]

[Steve Pyro]

Unleaded or Super ??

[Robbo SPS]

four Star , with addative's

[smokie]

I wish my car ran on that

[smokie]

http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/55/32610.html

Idiot!

[smokie]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have
experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter
paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous".

And so God snaps his fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says

"I want to be gorgeous too".

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,laughing his arse off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says:-

"Make 'em all ugly again".

[Robbo SPS]

Red riding hood is walking thru the woods when
she see's a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road,
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road,
 Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams;
"Look, will you piss off, I'm trying to have a cr@p!"

[smokie]

For all you budding DIYers...

http://www.david.zen.co.uk/toolstore/

[hgb]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[smokie]

[attachment deleted by admin]

[Robbo SPS]

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of illness. If
 you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
 

 SURGERY
 Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment
contract.
 

PERSONAL DAYS
 Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called,
"Saturday" and "Sunday."
 
HOLIDAYS
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: January 1st & December 25th and 26th.
 
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
 Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for your dead friend, relative or co-worker. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the required funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
 
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks' notice, as you have a duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE
There is a strict 3-minute time limit on the use of the restroom
cubicles.
At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
lock and the cubicle door will open!
 
 LUNCH BREAK
a) Skinny People. Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to
      eat more so they can look healthy.
b) Middleweight People. Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so
   they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.
c) Fat People. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time they need to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
 
THANK YOU
 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
 insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's,
consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
 
 Signed
 
 The Management

[Robbo SPS]

Possible the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had the guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure!!

 

Dear Sir,

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report form that I weigh135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of beginning to

experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope, and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

 

I hope this answers your enquiry.

 

Kind regards

 

 

Mike Pashby