The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[neilsie]

1st woman:  Hi! My name is  Wanda.
 
2nd woman:  Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
 
1st woman:  I froze to death.

 
2nd woman:  How horrible!
 
1st woman:  It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the  cold, I began to get warm

& sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What  about you?

 
2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected  that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by

himself in the den watching TV. 
 
1st woman:   So, what happened?


2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there  somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into

the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted that I

just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
 
1st woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer...............We'd both still be alive .

[Bob U]

.

[LangTall]

knetter posted this to our forum:

[termietermite]

This reminds me of a conversation I once had with Mr Termite when  I was moaning about the huge pile of ironing I was doing.  "Well," says he, "why don't you just put your washing in the linen basket?  Then it turns up a couple of days later in your drawer, washed and ironed.  Works every time for me."

[Bob U]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f**k*n' rabbit!"

 

[smokie]

Parts of this reminded me of the arrival of the Commer on MB in '05.

http://www.ravsgottahurt.co.uk/

[Nobby Diesel]

 

[neilsie]

my cubicle...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxqsWHpznsg

[Steve Pyro]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 21:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 22:00 news was now on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
Bob took the money...

[Bob U]

Bob, a handsome dude,

Yup

[Dave H]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE."



The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.



Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.

[Abs]

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when
they collide.


The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going".


The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".


The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like"?


The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall,
with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny
little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?"


The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

[rcutler]

The litte things you forget!!

[rcutler]

And Another:-

[Steve Pyro]

You couldn't make this up if you tried!!