The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[johnevans3]

Men Are Just Happier People--
   What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name
stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of
themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President or Dictator. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
   
   The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more
pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
   
   A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
   
   Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your
face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually
hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do"
your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.
   

[johnevans3]

Unfortunately, these are not jokes....


The Stella Awards
 
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards" For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.
 
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts that happened in the U.S. during 2005. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head and say, "What the heck??" So keep your head scratchers handy, here are the Stellas for the past year
 
To kick things off the right way, there was a three-way tie for 5th place.
 
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
 
Also in 5th place is Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California - you knew California had to be in the list somewhere, right? - Who won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Go ahead, grab your head scratchers.
 
The last of the 5th Place winners went to Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he has just robbed by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to subsist for eight - count 'em, 8 days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.  Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching, there are more.
 
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stellas when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shooting the dog with a pellet gun.  Grrrrr ... scratch, scratch.
 
Third Place went to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her tailbone (coccyx). The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch.
 
Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go.
 
Second Place: Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh,
Yeah, plus dental expenses. I know, go figure.
 
Finally, this year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was:
 
Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home - from an OU football game, no less - having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
 
Don't look so incredulous, remember, we're talking about Oklahoma here.
 
Not surprsingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her – you are sitting down, right? - $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
 
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might buy a motor home.

[Rob]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would
now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he
typed....

P



E



N



I



S



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the

computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**

[Bob U]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was very upset.

 "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.

I want a Divorce right away!"

 And her husband replied, "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

 "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.  I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair..."

Here he took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use

 

[fagey]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know
five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Andy Zarse]

See second item down entitled "Council Vacancy Filled". Puerile? Moi?

http://www.newtown.org.uk/news.php

[Bob U]

This is a copy of an actual letter. I am sure I have seen this guy at Le Mans

[Rob]

Incredible story about an elephant's memory...UPI July 3, 2006

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him....



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[nickliv]

Not really a joke, but after seeing the council announcement I feel I must share something with you.

Carlisle airport was advertising for an ait traffic controller, the airport was at that time operated by the city council, so I think they may have used a generic advert.

At the bottom it said 'As a part of our continuing drive towards equal opportunities, applications are particularly welcomed from the blind or partially sighted'

I haven't flown into Carlisle since.

[Rob]

[Bob U]

Talking of airports

[LangTall]

http://theync.net/video/h072506headbutt.wmv

[vqdave]

If women ruled the world

[Bob U]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The  thin one leaned over and
said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have   any fun any more. For $5.00  I'd take my clothes off and streak through that   stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first  little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of  the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,  followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a  cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

[Bob U]

The following are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear... and be misread.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/