The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[ricardo-T]

Worth a click...

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/07/13/zidane_headbutt_outrage/

[Nobby Diesel]

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.
The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?

The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Boom boom !!!

[Bob U]

Made me smile.
Subject: Kids......

 HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
 ( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep  the chips and dip coming.  Alan, age 10

 ( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.  Kirsten, age 10

 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
 ( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person  FOREVER by then.  Camille, age 10

 ( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.  Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
 ( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.  Derrick, age 8

 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
 ( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
 Lori, age 8

 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE
 ( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.  Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

 ( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.  Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)

 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
 ( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
 ( 1 ) When they're rich.
 Pam, age 7

 ( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to  mess with that.  Curt, age 7

 ( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.  Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals)

 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

 ( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.  Theodore, age 8

 ( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.  Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? ( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
  Kelvin, age 8

 And the ..1 Favorite is........
 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
 ( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
  Ricky, age 10
 

[neilsie]

 This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little  girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot. One day a  construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all  the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them  gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch  breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five pounds. The little girl took this home to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.

When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story  and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at
such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew  building a house."

 "My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the  house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless b*stards at Jewsons ever  bring us the f*cking plasterboard."

[Bob U]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start all that again. You're in my cupboard now"

***************************************************************************************************************

[vqdave]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of the
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was
moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.
So he offered him freedom, as long he could answer a very
difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question was: 'What do women really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was
better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition to have an
answer
by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the
princesses, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court
jester.
In all he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a
satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch,
as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the
witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she
charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative
but totalk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have
to accept
her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble
of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young
Arthur
was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made rude noises etc. He had
never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his
friend
to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon
learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too
big
a sacrifice compared to Arthurs life and the preservation of
the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the
witch answered Arthur's question: "What a woman really wants is to be able
to be
in charge of her own life."
 Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The
neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What
a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between
relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and
courteous.
 The
old
 witch put her worst manners on display and generally made
everyone very
uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling
himself
 for
 a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited!
The
most
 beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was
 astounded
and
 asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had
been
so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she
would be
her horrible, deformed self and the other half, she would be her
beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and
 which during the night? What a cruel question!

 Gawain began to think of his predicament- during the day a
 beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in
the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch Or would he prefer
having by day
 a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many
intimate
moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below,
but don't
read on until you've made your own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for
herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful
all the
time because he had respected her and had let her be in
charge of her
own life. What is the moral of this story?
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty
or
ugly.
Underneath it all, she's still a witch - and don't you forget
it.

[vqdave]

      Subject: FW: Ethics test                         
                                                                           
                                     >                                     
    > This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By   
   > giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.   
                                     >                                     
  > The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which 
                                                                           
                    > you will have to make a decision.                     
                                     >                                     
      > Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.     
    > Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.   
                                     >                                     
   > You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around   
             > you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.             
                                     >                                     
                 > This is a flood of biblical proportions.                 
                                     >                                     
   > You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're   
   > caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly   
          > hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.         
                                     >                                     
    > There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing   
                             > under the water.                             
   > Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a   
  > man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not   
                    > to be taken down with the debris.                     
                                     >                                     
  > You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise   
                                > who it is.                               
                         > It's Cristiano Ronaldo!                         
                                     >                                     
   > At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull   
                                > him under.                               
                                     >                                     
   > You have two options--you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or   
  > you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the 
                                                                           
       > death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                     >                                     
        > So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                     >                                     
   > Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the   
                  > classic simplicity of black and white?                 
                                     >                                     
                                     >

[Ferrari Spider]

Dave, the answer is simple, shoot in color, photoshop it in b/w.  FS

would there have been any decent arse shoots as well taken during this scenario, be interested in seeing them

[vqdave]

Dave, the answer is simple, shoot in color, photoshop it in b/w.  FS

would there have been any decent arse shoots as well taken during this scenario, be interested in seeing them

FS, there is always an opportunity to arse shots. Doesn't matter where you are, there is always arse about 

[Snoring Rhino]

Fairly topical I think............

I'm driving along minding my own business, when from nowhere there's this big crack in my windshield!!



 

                           

 

 

 

 

                           

 

    I swerved right,



 

 

 

 

 

    and then left,

 

 

 

 

 

 

    and it was still right there!!




 

 

 

 

         

 

 

 

 

 

 

         

[neilsie]

The Boss had a problem. He had to downsize the office and narrowed it down to one of two people: Dorothy or Jack. It was an impossible decision -- they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Dorothy came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Dorothy, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like sh!t this morning.”

[Bob U]

Even BT don't deserve this.

Contains naughty words

http://www.youtube.com/v/Yj2oXMdZ4sk

[rcutler]

Love IT!!!!

[Snoring Rhino]

Thats great,
I hate these cold calls.
I had a call from a travel company telling me that it was my very last chance to take advantage of their special deal, so I said to this bloke:
"So if I tell you to get lost and dont call me again, you wont because I've missed the deal,  is tha right?" 
"Err umm, yes",
"OK then get lost and never call back......"
The I heard in the background:
"Oh Sh*t, Dave we need a different script"   

[Andy Zarse]

When I get calls from people trying to sell telecom packages, cheap phone deals and the like I simply tell the sales person not to waste their time as there is no phone at this address. It's amazing how many of them apologise without realising that they are actually talking on a phone. On the occasions that someone does twig it, simply apologise and state that it's nextdoor's phone and give them their number.