The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[neilsie]

 An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar. They're
 staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
 He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They
 stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
 "My God, it's Jesus!"
 Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a
 pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.
 Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
 pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus
 approaches the trio.
 He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
 the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
 "My god! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
 Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
 lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
 "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
 It's a miracle."
 Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table
 in trying to get away from the Son of God.
 "What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
 The Glaswegian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"

[Werner]

Having been married 25 years I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things".

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

[Werner]

and another one about a popular topic:

This morning on the M4, I looked over to my left and there was a WOMAN !! in a brand new car doing 80 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the ###### phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.

###### women drivers!

[neilsie]

  A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

  Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

  This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

  He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

  She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

  "Why?" he asked.

  She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

  "Let me see" he said.

  "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

  He looked and said, "That's right. You are!

  Better not eat any more chicken."

  He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

  He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

  She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

  She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

  You've also grown the neck and the giblets!!!

[termietermite]

The perfect husband?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A mobile phone on  a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everybody else in the room stops to listen.

Man: Hello
Woman : Honey, it's me, are you at the club?
Man: Yes
Woman: I'm at the mall now and have found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?
Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
Woman : I also stopped at the Mercedes garage and saw the new 2007 models.  I saw one I really liked.
Man : How much?
Woman : $95,000
Man : OK but for that price I want it with all the options.
Woman : Oh, great, and just one more thing.  That house we liked last year is back on the market.  They're asking $950,000
Man : Well then go ahead and give them an offer but just for $900,000
Woman : OK.  I'll see you later.  Love you!
Man : Bye.  I love you too.

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.  Then he smiles and asks : "Anybody know whose cell phone this is?"

[johnevans3]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE
TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.  AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO
HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.  THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.  THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS
AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK
MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
     
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING
HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, I WAS MAKING
LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN....SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.

[neilsie]

AN AIRLINE'S PASSENGER CABIN WAS BEING SERVED BY AN OBVIOUSLY GAY FLIGHT
ATTENDANT, WHO SEEMED TO PUT EVERYONE IN A GOOD MOOD AS HE
SERVEDTHEM FOOD AND DRINKS.

AS THE PLANE PREPARED TO DESCEND, HE CAME SWISHING DOWN THE AISLE AND
ANNOUNCED TO THE  PASSENGERS, "CAPTAIN MARVEY HAS ASKED ME TO
ANNOUNCE THAT HE'LL BE LANDING THE BIG SCARY PLANE SHORTLY, SO LOVELY
PEOPLE, IF YOU COULD JUST PUT YOUR TRAYS UP, THAT WOULD BE SUPER."

ON HIS TRIP BACK UP THE AISLE, HE NOTICED A WELL-DRESSED RATHER EXOTIC
LOOKING WOMAN HADN'T MOVED A MUSCLE.

"PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME OVER THOSE BIG BRUTE ENGINES. I ASKED YOU
TO RAISE YOUR TRAZY-POO, SO THE MAIN MAN CAN PITTY-PAT US ON THE
GROUND."

SHE CALMLY TURNED HER HEAD AND SAID, "IN MY COUNTRY, I AM CALLED A
PRINCESS.  I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE."

TO WHICH THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REPLIED, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT,

"WELL, SWEET-CHEEKS, IN MY COUNTRY, I'M CALLED A QUEEN, SO I OUT RANK
YOU.TRAY-UP, BITCH."

[Neil]

Rooney accepts apology from Ronaldo.

[Robspot]

Oh no he doesn't!

[stuey]

Portugal's training ground

[Bob U]

Rooney's kids?

[Werner]

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view.

One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,immobilising it instantly.

The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) ..."I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team
would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything an all that about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ...

[Bob U]

Breaking News
 
The body of pop singer Sophie Ellis-Bextor was found this morning in the home of an international footballer. The cause of death was confirmed as a violent head butt. Police believe it was murder on Zidane's floor.

[Bob U]

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second bloke: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife I will a build new pool deck.

Third bloke: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise to remodel the kitchen."

They continue fishing then realise the fourth bloke hasn't said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said what you had to do to come fishing. What's the deal?"

Fourth bloke: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. It went off, I shut it off, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" She said, "Wear sun-block."

 

[Matt Harper]

Many were worried about whether Rooneys foot would stand-up to Carvalho's tackle, when, all the time, we should have been woorying whether Carvalho's tackle could stand up to Rooney's foot.