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smokie
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« on: July 22, 2003, 03:01:22 pm » |
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Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled.
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles around her."
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"
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jpchenet
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« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2003, 06:13:40 pm » |
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Nice one Smokie!!  Why do women have legs?? Have you ever seen the trail a snail leaves?!?!  Ah, the old ones are the best!! |
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wishy
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« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2003, 08:34:47 pm » |
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And asnother old one!!!!
What do you call a woman with no legs??
A dirty c**t!!!
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2003, 12:26:41 am » |
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Corporate Blunder! Powergen has formed an Italian division. They went for the obvious company name and then they registered a domain for it in the company name. This isn't a joke - the link is live.. www.powergenitalia.com |
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Steve  East Anglian cobras 
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Stu
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« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2003, 10:35:23 pm » |
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Q. Why do women have trouble having a pee in the morning?.
A..Have any of you blokes ever tried to open a cheese toastie.
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smokie
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« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2003, 06:22:00 pm » |
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A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the interior light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said,
"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
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Peter
CA Veteran
Newbie
 Offline
Posts: 25
I'm a llama!
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« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2003, 12:28:56 am » |
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Waaay up in the Apalachian Mountains a young couple have just got wed. In their honeymoon cabin the groom is waiting for his young bride (bout 12 up there I should think) to appear from the bathroom, and out she steps.
"Esau" she says (they have that sort of name up there) "Esau, afore I come to bed I got something to tell you"
"Whats that Ellie May" he replies.
"Esau, I got to tell you Ize a virgin"
Well, Esau screams blue murder, leaps out of the bed, throws his clothes on and runs home, bursts in the door and confronts his father, sitting in front of the fire smoking his pipe. The father looks up and says
"Boy, what you doing home? You should be with your purty (like the accent?) young bride Ellie May"
"But Pa" says the lad "Ellie May done told me she's a virgin!"
"Damn" says the father "Damn! Well in that case you done the right thing coming home. If'n she ain't good enough for her own family she ain't good enough for ours"
Er, any CA members from the Appalachians?
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Russ
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
Offline
Posts: 365
I think this is yours...
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« Reply #8 on: August 08, 2003, 10:55:22 am » |
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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"
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Fred Dibnah Memorial
Gland in the hand worth two in a Bush Tour 2007
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smokie
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« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2003, 12:46:30 pm » |
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[attachment deleted by admin due to age]
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« Last Edit: August 13, 2003, 12:46:50 pm by smokie »
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Russ
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
Offline
Posts: 365
I think this is yours...
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« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2003, 04:32:05 pm » |
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Fred Dibnah Memorial
Gland in the hand worth two in a Bush Tour 2007
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pretzel
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« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2003, 02:22:41 pm » |
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Hey Smokie,
Looking at the '24 hour' bit of the company name above the entrance door do you think the owners have permission to use this typeface from the ACO?
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A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink - W.C. Fields
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Robbo SPS
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« Reply #12 on: September 03, 2003, 07:39:58 pm » |
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[attachment deleted by admin due to age]
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Take life by the horns and live it.
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smokie
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« Reply #14 on: September 03, 2003, 09:57:31 pm » |
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It's really supposed to be a subtle plan to get his member(ship) up...
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