The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[iomac]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[Andy]

What makes 100%?  What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? 
How about achieving 103%? 
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a maths formula that might help you answer these questions

If A=1, B=2, C=3 ... and so on up to Z=26  Then...

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 100%

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 103%

And look how far ass kissing will take you....

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 118%

So one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while hardwork and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and the ass kissing that will put you over the top!

[johnevans3]

Retiring In Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress  he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as  possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas  party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some  fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks
again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've
been  all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should I  wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

[johnevans3]

Here is another with American humor.

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side

[johnevans3]

Rav 4 commercial

http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/funny/happy-together.php

[Snoring Rhino]

Rav 4 commercial

http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/funny/happy-together.php

Boys and their Tonka Toys!
This one quite funny, from the same site
http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/crashes/nicedriving.php

[Stu]

Apologies if you've seen them before

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/speeding.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/heartbroken.asf

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/scottishdrinkdrive.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/loadingabike.mpg

[Snoring Rhino]

Apologies if you've seen them before

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/speeding.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/heartbroken.asf

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/scottishdrinkdrive.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/loadingabike.mpg

I can only get the third one to work?

[DelBoy]

I could get three and four, but not the first two.

Del

[Stu]

I could get three and four, but not the first two.

Del

Ooops,

Sorry lads, should be fixed now.

Stu

[Stu]

This is true.
A lad I know works at Asda and last week he had a woman in asking for Hen Sip which is a cure for Bird flu. Apparently her friend had told her about it so he pointed her to the cooked chickens department.

[Ferrari Spider]

I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad

[Lorry]

I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad

I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

[Ferrari Spider]

I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad

I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

At least that and living in bl**dy close proximity 

BTW who is SARAH

[Lawnmower Man]

[I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

During the Mad Cow scare.   I over heard two cows talking about it. the conversation went something like.

Cow 1:  This Mad Cow illness is a bit scary.
Cow 2:  Yes it is.
Cow 1:  Are you worried about it?
Cow 2:  No not at all.
Cow 1:  Not at all?  How come?
Cow 2:  Well it not going to affect me is it!!
Cow 1:  How on earth do you come to that concusion?
Cow 2:  I'm a Helicopter.

t.