The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[garystout]

Gonna be a long number plate

[Rhino]

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

[DavidsDad]

Wife comes home from clothes shopping one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman. 

She calls him all the names under the sun, before telling him she's leaving him for good.
       
He says, "OK, but hang on, don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

"Explanation? !!!  You've got an 'explanation!??" she yells.  "This had
better be good!"

He says, "Well, I was driving home from work, when I saw this here young lady hitching a lift in dirty torn clothes, with no shoes on her feet, all muddy and crying, so I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.  She thanked me and I brought her home.

She took a shower, and afterwards I gave her the underwear that
I bought you but you don't wear because it doesn't fit you anymore, the blue silk blouse and those slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once.  I also gave her the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice.  I also gave her that nice suede jacket that hasn't been out of your closet in 2 years.

When she was dressed I made her a sandwhich with the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me.

Then I showed her to the door.

She was really, really grateful for all the things I'd given her, and thanked me profusely for what I'd done for her.

Then, as she was about to leave she turned and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

And I got to thinking..............

[Doris]

A man goes to the zoo...

But when he arrives there is only a dog...

It was a shitzu.

[Andy Zarse]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
> sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
> down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
>
> Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
> towards the man.
>
> He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
>
> "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
> place.
>
> "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
>
> They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
> theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
> deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
>
> After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
> her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.
>
> They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
>
> The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
>
> The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
>
> "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
> every guy you meet?"
>
>
> "No," she replies........."

>
>
>
> "You just happened to catch my eye."

[Andy Zarse]

A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a
>> >severe
>> > stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful  landlady.
>> > "Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman.
>> > Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui  gui........"
>> > Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th......................"
>> > "Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve
>> > someone
>> > else.
>> >
>> > She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are  ready to order yet.
>> > "Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman "Three ints of
> gui
>> > gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
>> > And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th...........".
>> > "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet?
>> > "If any one of you  can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll
> let
>> > you
>> > make love to me!"
>> > Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman.
>> > "Where do you live then boyo?"
>> > "C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr....    ."
>> > "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman,
>> >
>> > "Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.
>> > "E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
>> >
>> > "No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.
>> >
>> > "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
>> > "London" blurts out the Irishman.
>> >
>> > "Oh no!" says the landlady.
>> >
>> > A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him
> by
>> > the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she  strips to her
>> > underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
> Finally
>> > she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with
> concentration
>> > furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at
>> > the
>> > end
>> > he suddenly screams out...........
>> >
>> > ".......D D D Derry!!"

[SmithA]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"You look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and
see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days." The
little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you
are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a
little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having
unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that -
I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with
other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

[Lee Self]

One from this side of the pond:

Late one night as a man's wife walked into his study, he looked up and said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
 
So his wife walked over and unplugged the cable modem.... 

-Lee

[Canada Phil]

And from Newfoundland.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.

"With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 MORAL-
Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[SmithA]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.  After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place.  After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my ballsin your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.  But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin  yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the b!tch stole ma wallet!"

[johnevans3]

Canada Phil was a tourist in London awhile back and decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own.  He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
chat with the lads and have a pint of Guinness.  After a while, he finds
himself in a very high-class area; big, stately residences, no pubs, no
shops, no restaurants and worst of all, NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness.  He finds a
narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve his problem.  As he is unzipping, he is
tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you
simply cannot do that here, you know."  "I'm very sorry, officer," replies
the Canada Phil, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO and I just can't find a
public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me." He leads him to a back
"delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"
points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, SIR, anywhere you want."  Phil enters
and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen; manicured
grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of
gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he
unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really
decent of you.  Is that what you call "British Hospitality?" "No, sir,"
replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy.".

NO this really wasn't Canada Phil but it sounds about like him, eh?
Sorry Gilles, nothing personal you understand.

[johnevans3]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to sh*t on someone's car.

[Lawnmower Man]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the
street when a little girl on her new shiny bike
stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said,
"Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl
a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the
back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it
to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the
horse, not on top."

[Lawnmower Man]

 

Johnevens3 was walking along a Texan beach  deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The johneven3  said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Steve Pyro]

A bit early but  ............

Things you can only say at Christmas and live!

 
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.