The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[ecurie]

Two guys go out for a night of drinking. As they don't have too much money, they have devised a cunning plan.

One of them sticks a big salami in his pants and after they have gotten their drink, the other one will kneel in front of him, open up the guys pants, take the salami in his mouth and act as giving him a blowjob.

"You'll see, they will throw us out and we won't have to pay anything"

They go into the first bar, order a scotch and after emptying their glas, they perform their act. Sure enough, the bartender says : "We will not allow such a disgusting behaviour in this establishment" and throws them out.

They continue this "blowjob" act with succes for the whole evening.

Finally, after 15 glasses of scotch, the first one says :
"I have had enough, I can't take anymore"

"Yeah" says the other, " me neither, especially after I lost the salami between the 3rd and 4th bar"

[Doris]

Recently a Husband Superstore opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out on five floors, with men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.  The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands.....

First Floor.

The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor.

The sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking, "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third Floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paid jobs, are extremely good looking,
love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so they went further up.

Fourth Floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak."
"Oh mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth Floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. 
The exit is to your left.
Have a nice day.

[Neil]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side
of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man
enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar ...
The two builders start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit ......
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't
come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume
of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at
a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of
the builder ......
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me
mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by
profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a
goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a
bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a
large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this
town if you have a large garden then you have a
large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...
built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house
it is logical to assume that you haven't built it
just for yourself and that you are quite probably
married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four
children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are
sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not
masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've
told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what
he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a w**k*r.

[Andy]

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop."Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

[johnevans3]

LIFE WITH THE WIFE
Being a man, I've never quite figured out why the sexual urge of
men and women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene
gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't Feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT?! ! ! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to
my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and
not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take ! the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings.
Let me tell you .she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck! I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this
is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled,  "WHAT??? ! ! ! "

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. "

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the THINGS
that I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

[garystout]

Sounds like the book "Men are from Venus women from Mars"  My book is going to be called "Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth, Deal with it"

[Werner]

Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a
vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast
little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up
old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of
their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is
coming up so surprise me!"

Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

[Werner]

Back of the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus and took a set at the back.
She noticed the man opposite her looking at here smiling but not taking his eyes off of her.
So she moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed even more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested thinking that he was disturbed.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition...
She sat under a sweet’s sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

[Nordic]

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now!
I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the
time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.

She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground
I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters!"

[Matt Harper]

So these two families moved from Afghanistan to the USA. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet that in a year's time whichever family had become more americanised would win.
A year later they met. The fist man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The other guy says, "F*ck you, Raghead".

[Nordic]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100
dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your
breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them

or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

[johnevans3]

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store . .
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot
on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished,
Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.
Joe Bob replied,"That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise
exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that
Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back
room to find it.
From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that
hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot.

[johnevans3]

   A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
>           through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his
>parents gave him.   Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father.
>"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are
>coming up with"  Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
>dogs how to talk!"
>
>           "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get Big
>Red in that program?"
>
>           "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get
>him into the course."
>
>           So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 of the way
>through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
>
>           "So how's Big Red doing, son?" his father asks.  "Awesome, dad,
>he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -
>they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a
>new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
>
>           "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to
>get him in that program?"
>
>           "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."His father sends
>the money.
>
>           The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
>find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
>
>           When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Big Red?
>I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
>
>           "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when
>I got out of the shower, Big Red was in the living room kicking back in the
>recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned
>to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little
>redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
>
>           The father says, "I hope you shot that lyin' son of a bitch!"
>
>           "I sure did, Dad!"
>
>           "That's my boy

[Steve Pyro]

[Neil]

What should happen when Women cheat.