The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Doris]

A woman accompanied her husband to the  doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband  is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.  Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant, and  make sure he is in a good mood.  For lunch make him a nutritious meal.  For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.  Don't burden him with chores, as he  probably had a hard day.  Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.  And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did  the doctor say?"



"You're going to die," she replied. -  

[johnevans3]

Oh Doris, you're so bad!!!!

[johnevans3]

I noticed that several of the 2005 attendees could have used this product.

http://www.jengajam.com/r/crack-spackle-crack

[Doris]

Oh Doris, you're so bad!!!!

Isn't that the best way to have fun?  

[Steve Pyro]

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"  

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[Lawnmower Man]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
....full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-
free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple
of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".

[Steve Pyro]

As seen in the Lower Shufflebottom Gazette

[Bob U]

For when life gets too tough

[Snoring Rhino]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No,! what do you mean?" says the newcomer."You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?", she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

[Snoring Rhino]

Well I thought it was funny

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/content/files/mpg/binmen.mpg

[johnevans3]

The U.S. National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh , sh*t!"
Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this sh*t."

[johnevans3]

A pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the
usual "this won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill
in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "you have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other,
are we?"

[Andy Zarse]

OPENING CEREMONY
>
> The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by Millwall FC
> supporter, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be
> contained in a large kebab van situated on the roof of the stadium.
>
> THE EVENTS
>
> In previous Olympic games, London's competitors have not been
> particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
> events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
>
> 100 METRES SPRINT
> Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
> in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
> be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
>
> 100 METRES HURDLES
> As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
> fences walls etc.)
>
> HAMMER
> Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
> (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
> grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
>
> FENCING
> Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry
> as possible in 5 minutes.
>
> SHOOTING
> A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
> first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
> competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor
> style wages delivery man.
>
> BOXING
> Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
> will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
> Stella while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
> home. The bout will then commence.
>
> CYCLING TIME TRIALS
> Competitors will be asked to break into the bike sheds in one of
> capital's universities and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some
> mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All
> against the clock
>
> CYCLING PURSUIT
> As above but the bike will be owned by a member of the
> England rugby team, who will witness the theft.
>
> MODERN PENTATHLON
> Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding
> and arson.
>
> THE MARATHON
> A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued
> with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
> round the course.
>
> SWIMMING
> Competitors will be thrown off London bridge. The first three survivors
> back will decide the medals.  Walking on the surface is not allowed.
>
> MEN'S 50KM WALK
> Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
> guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of England's capital
> city.
>
> THE CLOSING CEREMONY
>
> Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
> Hackney Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock
> throwing and music by the Bethnal Green Community Choir. The Olympic
> flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
> onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
> The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
> it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[johnevans3]

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise
me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

[Bobblehat]

These are (apparently) from actual GCSE essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open
again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

Mc Murphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled
with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
York at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at
4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr
on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the
interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work. (I have actually got a brother called Phil)

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

`Oh, Jason, take me!` She panted, her breasts heaving like a student on
31p-a-pint-night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had
ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her
first of several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook
MP Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee
hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric
fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.