The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Pidgeon]

Does delivering a horse in an automobile require that the license tag be inverted?

[tink]

why are a hurricane and a wife similar?

first they suck and blow, then they take your house

[Pidgeon]

A chap was in the bathroom shaving. From the kitchen he could hear pots and pans rattling and low music playing.
But he was despondent. He said in a voice he thought could be heard in the kitchen ..'Honey, I may have to leave my job'.
But he heard nothing from the kitchen.
He repeated, Honey I may have to quit work. The guys down there are calling me a homosexual'.
Again no answer to this most important statement.
Getting irritated he exclaimed loudly, ' I can't take it anymore. I gotta quit my job. It's not good at work'.
Again no answer . and with this he charges into the kitchen and gruffly says. 'George ............ your not listening'!..

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

This is one of the funniest things I've seen for ages  

http://goyk.com/video.asp?path=1765

The volume is a bit quiet so may need turning up (and no I am not trying to "catch someone out" with that comment).

[garystout]

There not fainting, there "ratarsed"

[huggybear]

A bloke walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. In the bedroom his wife lies suductively on the bed. He says ' This is the pig I ***k when you're not around'. She arrogantly replies ' I think you'll find its a sheep'. He says ' I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!'

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no wollly! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save much money"

[Steve Pyro]

THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden, feeling very lonely.  So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.  God said that He was going to make Adam a companion, and that it would be a woman.

He said,"This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
 
She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.  

She will praise you!  She will bear your children.
. . and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course, the rest is history . .

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

[Steve Pyro]

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
 
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
 
Debra replied, "Could you jack off?  I feel like sh*t."

[johnevans3]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a  few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons  left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the  blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved  the vehicle forward a few inches,  reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty,  he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.  To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any  alcohol at all!  Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to  accompany me to the police
 station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

 "I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Steve Pyro]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike..

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and starts to sing .....

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[johnevans3]

This may be truer than we think!!!

http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927

[BryanC]

Same joke but Cliff Richard in Japan and the crowd are shouting "Sing Itchy Fanny, Itchy Fanny" and when Cliff says he doesn't rememeber the tune, the little guy gets up and sings...

"Itchy Fanny that we don't talk any more........"

[johnevans3]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
     Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
     In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
     purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can
     breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

     Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
     decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
     haul it home."

     The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
     she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,
     no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
     sister a telegram to tell her the news.

     She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
     telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
     ranch.  I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
     so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
     glad to help her then adds; "It's just 99 cents a word."

     Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
     realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
     After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to
     send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she
     ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your
     pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you
     send her just the word "comfortable"?

     The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
     read it very slowly....com-for-da-bull.