The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[The Planman]

That is one of the funniest things I've read for a while  

I pissed myself !!

[sceetum]

Brilliant .
I have also pissed myself and that hasn't happened for at least a week

[moped boy]

Police station toilet stolen, Cops have nothing to go on.

[moped boy]

A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?". The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, slightly peeved, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now p*ss off!" The rabbit hops off.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers again and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, completely p*ssed off now, snaps "No I haven't got any chuffin cabbages! If you come in
here again asking for some cabbages I'm gonna nail your f'in ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replies "no". The rabbit says "have you got any cabbages?"

[Steve Pyro]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[Steve Pyro]

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little silver sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square cosmetic mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Robspot]

A bunch of people are heading to Ibiza this summer but they need 4
more people to get a super package deal in a villa, it will work out
at around £99 for the week with flights, any takers?

Attached is a picture of the lads causing havoc in Amsterdam last
year! If you're not up for it please forward this on to people who
might be, Let me know!



Rob

[Robspot]

HSBC - The World's local bank

[Robspot]

Personally I've got nothing against scooters

[DavidsDad]

 

Moped Boy, I just loved the rabbit joke, it really hit my tickle button.  First time I tried to tell it I collapsed in hysterics just before the punch-line, and I hadn't had a drink by then.  When I finally composed myself enough to finish it DavidsMum also thought it was one of the best she's heard in a long time.

Oh yes, and of course the boy nearly sprayed his cornflakes across the kitchen table when I told him (suitably censored).  

Brilliant.  Keep them coming.  

[moped boy]

WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA


The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
It provides a way to interact with other people.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers

[garystout]

What can a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog on 3 legs?

[moped boy]

Shake Hands (what were you thinking you sick pervert?!?)

[garystout]

Give that  lad a cigar

[moped boy]

thanks, that one comes up alot in life...