The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[johnevans3]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
>coop.
>
>The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time
>for you to retire."
>
>The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
>hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
>hens over in the corner?"
>
>The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
>
>The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
>the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
>chicken coop."
>
>The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So,
>just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
>
>The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
>takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse
>and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches
>behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
>
>The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
>he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He
>blows the young rooster to bits.
>
>The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I
>bought this month."
>
>Moral of this story . . . .
>
>Don't mess with the OLD FARTS . . . .
>
>Experience and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model (Eva) danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

When Eva danced before the first candidate, there was no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Fat Steve.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Fat Steve took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

Suddenly all the other bells began to ring.  

[jpchenet]

I'm off to Rome for the weekend tomorrow morning. I wonder if they'll let me tell that one to the new Pope?  

[BigH]

I'm off to Rome for the weekend tomorrow morning. I wonder if they'll let me tell that one to the new Pope?

 

If not, try telling this one in Newcastle...


40,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Alan Shearer says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 40,000 Geordies start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Shearer says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 40,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
Shearer is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened - Gazza starts crying and the 40,000 geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHERCHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 40,000 geordies jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[Abs]

New Virus to Watch For


 The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
 The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
 The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
 The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
 The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
 The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
 The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
 The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
 The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
 The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
 The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
 The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.
 The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy .... then discards it through Windows.

[Stu]

I'm off to Rome for the weekend tomorrow morning. I wonder if they'll let me tell that one to the new Pope?

 

If not, try telling this one in Newcastle...


40,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Alan Shearer says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 40,000 Geordies start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Shearer says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 40,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
Shearer is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened - Gazza starts crying and the 40,000 geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHERCHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 40,000 geordies jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Revenge, my dear H will take place next year on the pitch at the above mentioned hallowed ground and that place called the stadium of shite.

Anyway, you've probably seen this as I'm always late on the jokes but

http://www.sickjokes.net/index.php?disp=watchvideo&filename=KaraokefortheDeaf.wmv

and

http://homepage.mac.com/jpbarr/iMovieTheater7.html


sorry if you've seen it.

Stu

[Steve Pyro]

THE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this senior citizen handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You  shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he  said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some  embarrassment  in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something  and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken  her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[johnevans3]

 A father asked his 11-year-old son if he  knew about the birds and the
bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said,  bursting into tears. "Promise me
you
won't tell me!" Confused, the father asked  what was wrong. The boy sobbed,
"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa'  speech.  At seven, I got the
'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was  eight, You hit me with the
'There's
no tooth fairy speech.'  If you're  going to tell me that grown-ups don't
really get laid, I'll have nothing left to  live for."

[Nordic]

While I was driving down the M3 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot @r$ehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

[Nordic]

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers
accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie
for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch
perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How
many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife
spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his
money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre,
how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint
free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his
brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled
when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________


Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old
man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim
and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer
goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to
Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the #### off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left
to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to s*#g the
other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws
up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much
does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he
fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third
week. When will he stand for parliament?

[johnevans3]

A couple had been married for over twenty years and one day the husband walked into the bedroom to find his wife packing her bags. When asked what she was doing, she simply replied that she was packing and headed to Las Vegas. The husband seemed somewhat puzzled and asked her what she was planning to do out there. Without looking up she replied and said she had heard she could make $400 out there doing what she did for him for free. Without missing a beat the husband started packing his bags. His wife stopped what she was doing looked at her husband and asked him what in the world was he doing. He simply said that he was going to Las Vegas too. When she asked him why, he said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year".

[johnevans3]

 A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple
in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her; kisses her neck, then
gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an
escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants
sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. ! This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"  

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
too!!

[garystout]

Does anyone know why there is only 1 Monopolies Commission?

[Steve Pyro]

Does anyone know why there is only 1 Monopolies Commission?

Yes.

[Steve Pyro]

A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there next to the judges table asking for directions to the Corrs Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I've had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb b1tch is starting to look HOT....just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge# 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my @rse with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, the world sounds like it is made of rushing water, my shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth and my pants are full of lava like s**t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.