The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Steve Pyro]

That's funny  

[johnevans3]

Neighborhood Party

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the
driveway.  His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." The
mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the
first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday  morning. We had about
fifteen couples from around the neighborhood  over for Christmas Cheer and
it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so  drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or
five times."

[johnevans3]

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one
Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special
ring for my girlfriend here," he said. The jeweler looked through his stock,
and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.
   
"I don't think you understand, I want something very
 
unique" he said.
    At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from
 
the safe. "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000." The girls' eyes
sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
    "How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make
 
sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can
phone the bank Monday. I'll pick up the ring on Tuesday."
    Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man.
 
"You old fart, you lied... there's no money in that account."
   
"I know, but do you have any idea what a fantastic
 
weekend I had?"

[Dave H]

The Wedding Test

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.  That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses.  She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside...

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:    Always keep your condoms in your car.

[garystout]

A man wakes up bleery eyed, in a darkened room, to discover the shape of a female form under the quilt next to him. What time is it asks the man?, after a few moments the female under the quilt says 5.30. Shlt, says the man, i have to get home, after a few moments the female says you are home!.

[Pidgeon]

Question?  Have you ever seen a pear that was a peach>

[Pidgeon]

OH Yea !

[Pidgeon]

While we're on the subject of peaches ........... can you find it?

[smokie]

Calm down Pidge...please!!! I can tell we have reached your favorite subject...  

[Pidgeon]

(Calm down Pidge...please!!! I can tell we have reached your favorite subject...  
Noooooo !  But the photos will not excede the length of your delete button.

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

I see they have finally released the new coin design to celebrate the forthcoming royal wedding.

[jpchenet]

I see they have finally released the new coin design to celebrate the forthcoming royal wedding.

And...................................

[johnevans3]

Spaghetti

A wealthy Englishman was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in
 him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
 marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money, if she
 would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
 raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
 turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
 baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
 post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange
 for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later,
 he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said. "You
 received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and
 I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband
 read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written:
 
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!"

[Nordic]

With the next Royal Wedding coming soon memories of the last one have re-emerged

Royal Wedding

Sophie was getting dressed, on the day of the wedding, where all her  family surrounded her, when she suddenly realised she had forgotten  to get any shoes.  

 

 Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from  her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they  were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's  feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could  think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and  they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and  the occasional muffled scream.

 

Eventually they heard Edward say  'God, that was tight.'

There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the  other   one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining, at last Edward said, 'My God.  That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

[chrisbeatty]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)