The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Nordic]

http://www.changar.com/text/bushmail.html

Mr G Bush's in box?

[Andy Zarse]

Staying on the flying theme, who fancies a bit of this? It's no joke if you ask me.

[Andy Zarse]

Bastard computer  

[Chris (Liverpool Boys)]

At least it's still in the air and not on fire

Still would be a bit of a brown trouser moment

[Steve Pyro]

An oldy but a goody........

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same  little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:









( Get your best Chinese accent ready )













 "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[Nordic]

An old lady is very upset as her husband had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.


One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put

the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit.

His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit....." the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued



  "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

[Pidgeon]

  :DTHAT IS FUNNY !!!!

[DelBoy]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that
obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
 
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

 "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."
 
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.............


 
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

[Nordic]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the
pharmacist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandanna, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he
unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He
holds it up.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana,
places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of
the pharmacy. A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by
an even greater shout.

The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to the pharmacist. "The
regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one".

[jpchenet]

A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier's desk. "Nice tits love, I want to open a f**k*ng bank account," he says.  "I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier.  "Listen you dumb cow," he says, "I said I want to open a f**k*ng bank account!"  "I'm sorry sir," she says, her bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you if you're going to talk to me like that." And with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear. The two return to the window and the manager asks stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"  "There's no f**k*ng problem," the man insists. "I just won 10 million  on the f**k*ng lottery and I want to open a f**k*ng bank account!"  "I see sir," the manager quickly replies. "And this stupid bitch is giving you a hard time, is she?"

[BigH]

Little Johnny was in his expensive prep school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up; accountant, lawyer, salesman, politician. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him  about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and take it up the a***."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and  then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "My father plays rugby for England, but after the last few games I was too embarrassed to say."

[Bob U]

"My father plays rugby for England, but after the last few games I was too embarrassed to say."

I'd like to think this will all be put right this weekend but with Charlie Hodgeson kicking I can't help thinking we would be better off with Douglas Bader

[Ballast]

nice one jpc - laughed my tits off at that one!

keep them coming guys i could do with a laugh. i'm stuck in bed (alone) with ciatica  

Gazza

[johnevans3]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little snit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"
===============================================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.  A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf"
=================================

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when
Tim Finnegan arrives at her door "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
"There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."  "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."  "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."  "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
=================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"  She says, "That he did, Father..
" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
===========================================
AND THE BEST FOR LAST.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finaly, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either

[Bob U]

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