The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Chris (Liverpool Boys)]

very funny

[Kpy]

Don't know if this has found its way here yet or not. But the last line seems to apply to Prince Charles.

The things our kids will say

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10


No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10


No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
--Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
--Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?


Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8


On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?


When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?


There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

AND


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10

[amazing 1]

Usual warnings apply  

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/

Thank you very much!I now this song stuck in my head as well as my co-workers.
By the way what is minge?

[Andy Zarse]

Erm, two nations divided by a common language, or what?

Minge? It's the same as a vertical bacon sandwich, often seen in hamburger shots.

You might want to look at Viz comic's "Profanisaurus" before we Brits descend on you next month. It's full of helpful phrases...

http://www.viz.co.uk/

and click on "Profanisaurus".

[amazing 1]

Thanks for the link,I will check it out.Sebring is going to be BIG FUN!I cant to meet you guys and put some brews back.

[smokie]

Jacko getting ready for court

[Canada Phil]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
 
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
 
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
 
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
 
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
 
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!"

[Steve Pyro]

Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital :-
 
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, your mothers maiden name and your bank pin number.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & have a cry. It will pass in a few years.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[Paddy_NL]

how to get rid' of your girlfriend

click here

[Paddy_NL]

how to get rid' of your car

click here

[Andy Zarse]

In pilots we trust...........




Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==========================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

==========================================


Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f**k*ng bored, not f**k*ng stupid!"

==========================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

==========================================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."

==========================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind an
eight-engined B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter
pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

==========================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

==========================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger...and
yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

==========================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
didn't land."

==========================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned
right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[DavidsDad]

  More plane stuff.

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
 
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

--------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.  After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,  "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

[DavidsDad]

Read this, then look at the picture
 
There's a reason (sometimes) for all that paperwork...
 
Just before Christmas 2004 a C-23 Sherpa flew into a US operated airfield in Iraq during the day and as they came in on approach the crew was surprised to see that there was construction equipment on the runway. But there had been no NOTAM (notice to airmen) issued, which there should have been of course.

A trench was being dug in the runway (!), and it was not marked!

It's a long runway and so they just landed beyond the construction. They filed a safety hazard report that was immediately forwarded to their headquarters and to the US Air Force wing based there.
 
Well, the construction continued but it was still not marked or NOTAMed or anything.

On the night of the 29th January a C-130 landed on the runway and didn't see the construction.

It wound up going through what was now a large pit on the runway.

See picture attached.

The C-130 was totalled. There were several injuries to the crew and the few passengers on board but luckily nobody was killed.

Hmmmm.

[Paddy_NL]

those bloody speed-bumps

[Nobby Diesel]

That's what I call a pot hole. And I thought the roads were bad around our way.