The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Nordic]

Subject: FW: Fw: letters to the Editor


 COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Abu Hamsa?
Les Barnsley, Barnsley




HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his
 multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used
it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once
again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford


So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"

do they?
Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady

stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this
turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me
stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series

of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an
incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach


IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true.
'Absence makes the heart
grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to
spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of

my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions.
For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score

place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield


I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that
Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten
years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be
punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that
most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't
told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail


 Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering
on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once.
Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail


With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers
include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw
*at quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
 Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film,
but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit  the pan?
 Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

 I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia
 with Jenny.
 She is a great sh * g. Thanks again.
 Baz, Bondi

 Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
 with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
 Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account
 their splendid sense of humour.
 Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
 Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
 climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they
should get some faster cars.
 T Barnham, London

[Nordic]

Subject: Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think
at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to
buy marijuana, press the hash key..."  

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts."  

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.  

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."  

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
currant pulled him in.  

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your
arms off".  

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.  

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.  

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out
of his head.  Doc says "I'll give you some cream to
put on it."  

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he
picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No,
because he's really heavy"  

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!  

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.  

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.  

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat
bast**d!"  

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off.  

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."  

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my
arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go
there anymore"  

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed
into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have
recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night  

[Robbo SPS]

http://users.pandora.be/stefdirrix/flash/queen.htm

Turn the speakers up.

[Russ]

This is so funny it boggles your mind.

You have to keep on trying this to see if you can out smart your right foot.

Certainly one to try late in the poo bar!!!


1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot changes direction.

 

[jd4breakfast]

Elton jhon goes to a tattoo shop .I want a rolls royce tattooed on my cock. The tattooist says better make that a Land rover the amount of sh*t it has to go through !!!!


what do you call a couple that like fishing  Rod and Annette

[Steve Pyro]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating"

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

 
.....I love the next part....








"Only when he's been drinking."

 

[Russ]

Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the festive period?

If so encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles
again in the evening...


By the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles away..........

[Andy Zarse]

I'm not sure if this is a joke or not, but I had this sent to me by a girl I know. It's one of those pesky chain letter thingys and I normally trash them on reciept or write back to the sender ( and it's always females who peddle this crap) telling them to get a grip and stop being so soft headed. However, whilst I hate swimming, don't suffer from dermatitis and have no intention of kissing my dentist, I really don't want my genitals to fall off. What should I do and does anyone require me to send it to them?

God spare me from the Hot Sex Fairy.

See below:

Nyechi
>>
>>
>>
>>       1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
>>make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair
>>shine and skin smooth.
>>       ============
>>       2. Gentle,   relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
>>dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat   produced cleanses the
>>pores and makes your skin glow.
>>       =============
>>       3.  Lovemaking   can burn up those calories you piled on during
>>that romantic dinner.
>>       =============
>>       4.  Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up, unless it involves BigH. It stretches
>>   and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable
>>than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
>>       =============
>>       5.   Sex is an instant cure for mild depression.   It releases
>>endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria   and
>>leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
>>       =============
>>       6.    The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The
>>sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called
>>pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
>>       =============
>>       7.    Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES
>>MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
>>       =============
>>       8.     Kissing   each day will keep the dentist away.   Kiss ing
>>encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the
>>acid  that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
>>       =============
>>       9.     Sex   actually relieves headaches.   A lovemaking session
>>can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
>>       =============
>>       10.   A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.   Sex is a
>>natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and ha y fever.
>>       =============
>>       This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The
>>original  is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has
>>been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The
>>"Hot  Sex Fairy"   will visit you within four days of receiving this
>>message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
>>
>>       If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the
>>rest  of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals
>>  will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think
>>need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals
>>has no price.
>>
>>       Do not keep this message. This message must leave your  e-mail in
>>96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
>>
>>       Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true,
>>even if you are not superstitious.
>>

[Rob]

The passenger in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something."
The driver says, "Not your fault. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

[Russ]

THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper
has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.





THE MODERN BRITISH VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving.

The BBC and ITV news channels show up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his
comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.

Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Democrats, the Greens and the Liberals demonstrate
in front of the ant's house.

The BBC, interrupting a Travellers' cultural festival special from
Stonehenge with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall
Overcome."

David Blunkett rants in an interview with David Frost that the ant has
gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

The Blair Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper
Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of the summer.

It is quickly passed through Parliament.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to
hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed
retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to India, and starts a successful call centre for
British banks.

The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the
last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the
government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's
old house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Neil Kinnock is appointed to
head a commission of inquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mail blames
it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of Albanian spiders,
praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural
diversity, who promptly terrorize the community.

[Steve Pyro]

Rules of Manliness

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
     a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
     b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
     c. After wrecking your boss' car.
     d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
     e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.  If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
      a Yeah, Baby, Push it!
      b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
      c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever

[Nordic]

Dave, sadly was born without ears, although successful in business this
problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager
for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first guy was great.  He knew everything he needed to know and was
very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do
you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the
reply. Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the
office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything
different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a
young man who had recently earned his BSc (Hons).  He was smart,
handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two
put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man
the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to
his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear Contact lenses,
don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly
observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The
young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well,
it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears!"


This dude decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come

as different emotions e.g. fear etc .

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens

the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V

painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?"
And the guy says," I'm green with NV".The host replies, "Brilliant,

come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door

to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa

wrapped around her most intimate parts.He says to this woman "Wow,

great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm

tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the
party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and

the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,

standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the

other with his knob stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both

doing?
You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like

that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come

in despair"

[smokie]

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent...

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.....

- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there -

on the couch -









naked.

[amazing 1]

good one!  LOL

[Ballast]

Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW