The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[jpchenet]

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs  up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
 
Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
 
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...  "Ugh, run, amigo, run!!
 
Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
 
 
"Ees"
 
 
"Ees"
 
 
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

[gibberish]

Mark, Mark, Mark...................Really not quite up to scratch old boy.

[Abs]

One for Mr. Brown I think....

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95


BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision US NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision


BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.


US NAVY: This is the captain of US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.


BRITISH: Negative i say again divert your course.


US NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITES STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU  CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. F*ck off

[Steve Pyro]

Yup, true story.

[johnevans3]

Hope this attachment works.

This ain't no joke guys!!!!!!

[johnevans3]

Hey folks, christmas is coming and this puts a whole new perspective on nutcrackers.  After you view this, just think about the possibilities.
http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?id=13654&version=2&type=coolad

[smokie]

Brings a tear to the eye  

[Ruptured Duck Motorsport]

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE EDINBURGH FRINGE


First dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died...  Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
 Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
 
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.
 Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
 Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
 Susan Murray at the Underbelly

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we're not going to get much done."
 Jimmy Carr at the ICC
 
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
 Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
 
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking
he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC
 
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?"    And   you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ....
Self-raising?"
 Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
 
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
 Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
 
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
 Jimmy Carr
 
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
 Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
 
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
 Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
 
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
it was a bloody hoax.
 Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
 
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.
 Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
 
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
 Chris Addison at the Pleasance
 
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our
family holidays in Customs.
 Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
 
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind
legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
enjoying it as well.
 Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
 
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?"  The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
 Steven Alan Green at C34
 
Hey - you want to feel really handsome?  Go shopping at Asda.
 Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
 
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got
one!"
 Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people.  It's a piece of cake.
 Chris Addison at the Pleasance
 
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
good at it.
 Arnold Brown at The Stand
 
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.  They're trained
for that.
 Milton Jones at the Underbelly
 
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign: "This door is alarmed."  I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
 Arnold Brown at The Stand

[Nordic]

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your breasts" he says.

"You dirty git", shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my
husband."

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe so the barmaid
accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
your arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms.

Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.  "One more
chance"says the barmaid.

"Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then
drink every last drop."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up, Love?" he asks.

"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts
and lick the sweat off" she says.

"'ll kill him, where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"And then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with
Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair and switches the
telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness..."

[Rob]

Frequently Asked Questions at the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the
same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my
Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

[BigH]

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that enough was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called, a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A far less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held The
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle, all of Wales and
most areas of Western Sydney

[smokie]

From Pidge in Florida...why did it make me think of Rusty's Friday night bash?

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antoniocity park.  The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment And I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their minds.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing,sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[Bob U]

A woman took a very limp duck to a veterinary surgery. As she lay her peton the table the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry but your pet has passed away"
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"
"Yes I am sure the duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure" she protested "You havn't done any tests on him or anything, he might just be in a coma"
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador retriever. As the ducks owner looked on in amazment, the dog stood on it's hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed he duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook hishead. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few minutes later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the duck from beak to tail and back again. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook it's head, meowed softly jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm soory, but as I said this is a most definitly, 100% certifiably a dead duck"
He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the wpman.
The ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill
"£150" she said "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have been £20. But what with the lab report and the cat scan, it all adds up"

[gibberish]

From Pidge in Florida...why did it make me think of Rusty's Friday night bash?

 

Brilliant Smokie.  I was howling at the end.  Funniest thing I've read in ages.

[Nordic]

A large woman walked into a bar with a sleeveless dress in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she  pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy  a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at  the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter  and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your  business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got  to be a ballerina."