The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[gibberish]

LOL  

'kin ace Del Boy

[Bob U]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied " Put them between your legs. Your body heat will soon warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up .
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied "Put them between my legs my body heat will soon warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was againin the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied Put it between my legs the warmth of my body will soon warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day he was again riding with the daughter and said "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her " Have you ever heard of a penis ?" Slightly concerned the mother said " Why, yes, why do you ask?" The daughter replies "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost don't they?"

[Co Pilot]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

[Andy Zarse]

Women eh? Botox, boob jobs, face lifts, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits. Eyebrows plucked, bikini lines and legs waxed and they won't take it up the arse cos they say it HURTS!

[Steve Pyro]

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that
were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them.  The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.


This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.  (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8 )

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.  Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8 )

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

[Bob U]

LOL
Got to be a contender for funniest of the year.

[Nordic]

A touch cruel

[Andy Zarse]

LOL
Got to be a contender for funniest of the year.

Sorry Bob, due to my blackened cajun sense of humour, Superman gets the nod from me.

Sick Nordic, but ironic no the less.

[jpchenet]

I got a great deal on eBay!!!!  An electric whhelchair and a red cape for a tenner!!!!!!!  

[Robbo SPS]

The First Affair:

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their

passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they

made passionate love all afternoon.

 

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00

PM As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes

outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

 

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

 

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my

secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!  You've been playing golf!"

 

 

=============================================

The Second Affair:

 

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful

teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

 

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,

delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father

rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was

horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

 

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a

stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

 

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

 

 

=============================================

The Third Affair:

 

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the

dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he

examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you

off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has

to be saved for posterity."

 

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's

member.

 

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home The first

person he showed it to was his wife.

 

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and

opened up his briefcase.

 

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

=============================================

 

The Fourth Affair:

 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening

the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly

rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

 

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're

a statue"

 

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

 

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one

for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was

said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

 

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the

kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

 

"Here," he said to the statue, " Eat something. I stood like an idiot

at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 

=============================================

The Fifth Affair:

 

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks

for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

 

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu

and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a

fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to

real money."

 

"How much money?" inquires the man.

 

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

 

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this

place?"

 

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

 

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

 

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

 

=============================================

The Sixth Affair:

 

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil

by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her

praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips

began to move slightly.

 

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

 

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

 

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have

something that I must confess."

 

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's

all right, go to sleep."

 

"No, no I must die in peace. Becky I slept with your sister, your best

friend, her best friend and your mother!"

 

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[Nordic]

Jack was going to get married to Jill, so his father sat him  down for a little fireside chat.

He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed  them to your mother, and said, Here honey, try these on.
 
So, she did and said, Well sweetie they're a little too  big, I can't wear them.

So I replied, ...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and  I always will. Ever since that night we have never had  any problems.

"Hmmm, "  says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try..So,on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here  babe, try these on. " So she does and says, "These are  too large,they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "  ...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and I don 't want you to ever forget that.

"Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says,
"Here, you  try on mine. " So he does and says,
" There 's no way I  can get into your knickers. " So Jill says, "...exactly.  
And if you don't change your f****g attitude, you never will."

[jpchenet]

The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.
 
The teacher called on James to start things off.




James returned to his seat.

The teacher called on Ernie next.



Ernie returned to his seat.

Now it was Suzy's turn.



Suzy returned to her seat.

Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.



Jerry returned to his seat.

Kim was called to the board.



Kim returned to her seat.

About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being dirty-minded, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything. But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty. So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.



Little Johnny had done it again.

[Bob U]

Little Johnny does it every time

[Nordic]

1.What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.
 
 
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
 
Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
 
Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.
(or Britney Spears)

7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

It might be your bike.
 
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
 
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint three stripes on it.

11. 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police.

12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?

Up the "Gary"!

[Mr. Rick]

OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221