The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Steve Pyro]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob. "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...

[Steve Pyro]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. " Breast fed," she replied.  " Well strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.  She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously and thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, " No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Co Pilot]

There's a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The NASA headquarters in Houston calls the shuttle after
exiting the Earth's atmosphere:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 go to the television screen."
The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to:

"Release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature
in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.

So the monkey makes the necessary pressure, temperature changes,
and releases the oxygen

A few moments later Houston calls again:

"Monkey number 2, Monkey number 2 go to the television screen."
The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to:

"Add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,
to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar
radiation.

So the monkey makes the necessary carbon dioxide and fuel changes, adds
the nitrogen and does the analysis of the solar radiation.

A little later on, Houston calls again:

"Woman, woman please approach the television screen."
The woman moves to the screen and sits down and just as she
is about to be told what to do she says.....


"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a f*cking thing."

[Dark Warrior]

Two blokes, Jack & Mike, are in the pub Jack says to Mike  "My elbow hurts like f**k. I  think I need to see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to to do that" Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Sainsbury’s. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs a fiver...a lot less hassle than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Sainsbury’s… He deposits his fiver, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and w****d into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Sainsbury’s, eager to check the results. He
deposits another fiver, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better

Thank you for shopping at Sainsbury’s

[SteveB]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

 Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
 
The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
 Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
 
The boy says £1,000".

The Father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going  to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

[Russ]

This was posted on the Nissan 200SX owners'club website last night, and
got distributed to other sites...

"Was pulled over last night by a copper who'd followed me for a couple
of miles and breathalised.Bearing in mind I could barely stand it was no
surprise to find I was massively over the limit. This was particularly
disgraceful as I had the missus and kiddy with me in the car.

I was arrested and read my rights.It was all a very salutary experience,
especially when the copper got shirty because I found the whole business
side-splittingly funny His mate, whilst the arrest took place went and
had a good look round the car, came back and started whispering to the
other copper. They are whispering frantically at each other and neither
of them look very pleased.

Copper turns to me and starts accusing me of wasting police time, he
calls me a tw*t. I point out he's just sworn at a member of the public,
in front of an 18 month old child and that I'll report him for conduct
unbecoming.

Plod get back in their car and drive off,with the copper who'd had a
look round my car laughing his head off.

And the moral of the story for the police is....

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Always check whether a car is left or right hand drive before
breathalising the guy in the right hand seat"

[Steve Pyro]

Very good Russ, all the more reason for buying a Corvette.

[Ron Jeremy]

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[Steve Pyro]

A man wanders into the doctor's surgery.

"I have a problem, doctor" says he.
"That's what I'm here for sir. Tell me all about it." replies the medic.

"Well.. it's a bit embarrassing really..."
"Don't worry," says the Doctor, "all you say is in complete confidence".

"Well... OK..." says the man, "It's like this:
When I get home at night, after a hard day in the office, it's all I can do to fight my wife off me. She won't give me any of the food she's cooked until I satisfy her sexually, completely."
"Right, " says the medic, "is this a problem for you?"
"No! " says the man, "Not at all I love my wife dearly, and I'm glad that she loves me. It's just that, after eating my supper, she drags me to bed immediately."
"Does that feel uncomfortable for you?" asks the doctor.
"No! We make live until two or three in the morning most nights. It's great! But when I wake up she makes me do it again."
"How does she do that?" the Doctor says (a grin spreading across his face).
"You know! The same as any women would!" says our man, "After that I drag myself off to work. At the bus-stop I always meet my neighbour."
"And how does he fit into this?" asks the confused medic.
"Actually, I fit into her rather well... Too well in fact. She insists on my attention every morning."
"I think I'm beginning to understand your problem" says the doctor, "carry on."
"Well, eventually the bus comes and I make it as far as the station. It doesn't matter what carriage I take, this young girl is always in the same one. She grabs me and before I'm at my destination we're going at it. It doesn't matter what I try."
"Oh!" says the doctor, "I can see why that might make you uncomfortable".
"No it's not that!" exclaims the man, "No! When I get to work I get about an hour to organise myself before my secretary comes in. She drags me into the stationery cupboard and makes love to me there."
"Are you worried about all these women then?" asked the puzzled practitioner.
"Just listen!" commands our man, "At lunchtime, my boss take me out to lunch. See buys me a sandwich and the forces me into the toilets where she proceeds to take advantage of my manhood in every way she can."
"Well, this all sounds very uncomfortable to me, " proffers the doctor, "perhaps I could put you in touch with a solicitor to start an industrial tribunal".
"No! That's not what I want at all!" shrieks the chap.
"Well, what then?"
"After lunch my secretary detains me until 5:30 or until she is satisfied - whichever is the later. On the train home I see the young girl again. I'm pressed into more regular service that Connex South Central!
When I stagger to my bus, I'm dragged onto the top deck by my neighbour. She proceeds to work me like a mule until we arrive home. I walk into my house only to be prevailed upon by wife again!"
"Erm... I'm a bit baffled." says the doctor, "What exactly is your problem?"


"It hurts when I have a w*nk."

[Rob]

Tech Support  

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

    1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

    5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

    7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

    10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

    11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't  work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it   have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

    13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

    14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
 

[Steve Pyro]

Looks vaguely familiar  

[Steve Pyro]

Enjoy the joke!
 

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the  perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.

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Answer:

The perfect woman survived.  She's the only one who really existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have  been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this is REALLY the end of the joke.

*** Men Keep scrolling



































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!!

[Steve Pyro]

Young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man  answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home.

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
 
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
 
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
 
The Aussie said "One."
 
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101,237.64."
 
The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
 
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ,I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power  Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him  down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
 
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's ruined, you might as well go fishing.

[Werner]

If Men wrote Cosmopolitan Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

[Robbo SPS]

How to be a MAN
Oh so true!

 

 

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her

hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She

didn't. Jars are men's work.

 

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even

saying it to kids makes you the man

 

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A

Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning

 

the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it?

Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't

whittle.

 

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,

lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge

pile of other rubbish -noisy destruction.

 

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging

your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement.

Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while

everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're a legend .

 

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir

paint with.

 

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but

even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

 

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been

partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence

of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it

look like.

 

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes

for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the

past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

 

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need

or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

 

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!

Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

 

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It

doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed.

However,the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

 

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,

apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

 

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast

man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.

Congratulations, you are now your dad.

 

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

 

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little

changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with

any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

 

18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying

the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The

only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

 

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds,

we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it

is then.Seven. Seeya."

 

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can

Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,

technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

 

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have

toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can

stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the

beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

 

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if

you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain

haemorrhage".

 

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For

that? Are you mad, bint?"

 

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says

that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

 

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the

shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you

while you were in hospital".