The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[jpchenet]

A Man staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box in Piccadilly.

Back at the hotel he rings the number.

A Lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

The Gentleman says: " I'd like a bl0w j0b, a missionary sh@g, @n@l doggy style, some mild b0ndage, finishing off with a t1t w@nk, Is that OK?

The lady says: " It sounds interesting, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first ".

[Nordic]

This is unbelievable...........definitely worth the read....

 then look at the pic....

 A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine

 Inspection Service in Adelaide. A bloke and his family were

 on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a

 week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought a one-metre high,

 rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home

 Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.

 He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard,

 and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while

 watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the

 cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver

 all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again. He

 was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the

 state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the

 state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions.

 How Tall is it? Has it flowered? etc.

 Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your

 family in the house?" The bloke answered yes. The cactus

 expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front

 nature strip and wait for me, I will be there in 20 minutes.


  Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an

 ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out

 and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said.

 A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a

 space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what

 looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He

 headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the

 cactus spraying it up and down. After a few minutes the

 flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and

 spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens

 were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert

 appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder.



  "What the hell's going on?" he says. "Let me show you" says

 the cactus man.

  He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the

 cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger

 striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of

 two hand spans.



  The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this

 type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to

 full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus

 just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders

 are flung from it, dispersing everywhere.

 They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house

 and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated:

 police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was

 allowed in for two weeks.



  And here's what one of the bastards looks like sitting on a

 full size dinner plate.

[jpchenet]

List of places I'd like to visit.

Kenya
Bali
Mexico
Sun City

Cheers Nordic!!  

[rcutler]

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other

How the F*ck do you drive this thing?

[SteveZarse]

On the night of their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple have just peeled off and got into bed, when she asks him:

"Do you remember what you were thinking fifty years ago now?"

"Yup," replies her husband " I remember on our wedding night, I was thinking about sucking your t!ts dry, and f@cking you senseless!"

"Ooh you dirty old devil" she coos "And what are you thinking now?"

"To be honest," he says "I was thinking what a good job I've made of it!"

[Co Pilot]

Portuguese stadium officials have announced that David Beckham's voice is going to be used to make all stadium announcements at England's Euro 2004 matches.

 

A spokesman said, "We heard he comes over the PA really well."

[rcutler]

Who has the ugliest wife?

Two guys sitting in a bar arguing  about who's wife is uglier. After
two hours back and forth arguing one says lets go to my house and I
will show you an ugly wife. So they went to his house and saw his wife
and the other guy says ya she's real ugly but now we got to go to my
house and see my wife. They pulled into the back of the house and
walked up the stairs into the kitchen and he moved a rug and under the
rug was a trap door. He stomped on the trap door with his foot and
then opened it and yelled honey I'm home and she yelled back do you
want me to put the bag on? and he said NO I don't want to f*ck you I
just want to show you to someone.
 
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Man:      Doctor I need some more sleeping pils for the wife.
Doctor:  Why ?
Man:      She's woken up.

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My wife is so ugly that when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said "something to go in my bath" - so I got her a toaster.  

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A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was f**ck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

“What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses.

The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”
 
 Report to moderator    Logged  

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My wifes that ugly she must have been conceived on a day trip to Sellafield. She went to bed last night for her beauty sleep and set her alarm clock for November.  When we got married it was a fairy tale wedding...... Grimm.  

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I haven't talked to my wife for 3 months.

It's not that we've had a row.

It's just rude to interrupt.

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My wife likes to talk when I'm banging away from behind... but it's not easy to hold a phone as well.  
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Q. How do you make the wife cry during sex?

A. Phone her.  

Q. How do you make your woman scream during sex

A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q. How do you make your wife buck like a horse during sex?

A. Slap her arse and tell her her sister is better.  
 
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Q. How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A. None, it should be open when given to him!

Q. What have you done wrong if your wife comes into the lounge to nag you?

A. Made the chain too long!  
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Why did the woman cross the road?

Sod the road.. what the f*ck is she doing out of the kitchen!!??  
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What you call a women who washes the dishes with one hand, makes the tea with the other, does the laundry with one foot and vacuums with the other foot.

A Swiss Army wife.

Their getting worse now.

Wife to husband: There's 3 flies in here
Hubby  yes 2 are male and ones female.
How do you know that says the wife.

well 2 are on the can of beer and ones on the phone..

And the old chestnut:-

2 married women go out for a night on the town and get wasted.
On the way home one says,'I'm dying for a wee' the other says so am I, I'm bursting. I won't make it home, Lets go in that Graveyard. So of they go and do the business behind the grave stones. Hell says one, I havn't got any thing to clean myself with, I'll just have to use my knickers and throw them away. I'm not using mine says the other, they cost me £40, I'll use this bunch of flowers. So they clean themselves and go home.
Next morning hubbys are talking. Thats the last time I let her go to town. Last night she came home with no Knickers on. Thats fuuk all said the other. Mine had a card stuck up her arse that said, 'We'll never forget you'

Thats it Goodnight.
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How do you make a woman cum?...Who cares!!  
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Why do women fake orgasm ..... because they think men care!  
 
Why do women get married in white??

To match the rest of the kitchen appliances!!

[gibberish]

Made me smile  

[Steve Pyro]

All you can eat Curry House  

[SteveZarse]

When in Antigua, I went in a shop called 'Crabhole Liquors', but this has to be better:

[Ferrari Spider]

Well know chinese restaurant in Kings Road during 70's at worlds end was called Ho Lee Fook, or Ecstasy by the regulars.

[Nordic]

A woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she
notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy
would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive,
but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed
by his sensitive side.


She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes &
and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with him, they
are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over
and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[SteveZarse]

One day, a young lad enquires of his mother: "How come I'm black and you're white?"
"Don't even go there," replies Mum "from what I remember of that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

[Steve Pyro]

     

How to shower like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and colours.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.


How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower - Wash your face. - Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair - Make shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.  Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Partially dry off.  Fail to notice water on the floor.

Admire knob size in mirror again.

Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again.

Throw wet towel on bed. Job done!

[Steve Pyro]

Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.