The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Stu]

According to the papers there are allegations of Michael Jackson having an affair with Victoria Beckham. Michael Jacksons lawyers deny these allegations claiming that their client was in Brooklyn at the time.

[gibberish]

 

[Steve Pyro]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk
             a) Innovative
             b) Preliminary
             c) Proliferation
             d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .. .
             a) Specificity
             b) British Constitution
             c) Passive-aggressive disorder
             d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk
             a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
             b) Nope, no more booze for me.
             c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
             d) No kebab for me, thank you.
             e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
             f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
             g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
             h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
             i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
             j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[rcutler]

Why do they use A,B,C,D,E,F,FF to define bra sizes

A- Absent
B- Barely Visible
C- Come in Useful
D- Damn Good
E- Enormous
F- Fantastic
FF- F**king Fake

 

[Nordic]

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy
 with his feet propped up on a table.
 He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy,

 "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little
 lady! Why don't ya'll come on out to the bunkhouse
 and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to
 find out for herself, so she spent the night with
 him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
 Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real
 flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
 services before." The woman replied, "Don't be
 flattered . . .take the money and buy yourself some
 boots that fit.

[Stu]

 A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
 mouth. A young nurse appears and begins to sponge his hands and feet.
 "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
 wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my
 testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and
 takes a close look, and say's, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
 Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very
nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[jpchenet]

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
was my pager" he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand".

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and went to the loo. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and started at him.
The Irishman finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm gettinga fax."

[jpchenet]

 One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT?!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.


The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewellery dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.


Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[gibberish]

'Kin ace Mark.  

[Nordic]

Not a joke but...........

[attachment deleted by admin]

[gibberish]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment, and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together, to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go into the woods and catcha rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls and the SAS are first up.  They done infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation.  Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakeable muffled "phut - phut" of their trademark silenced "double tap".  they emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent" remarks the trainer, and sends in the Paras.

they finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camoflage cream, fix bayonets and charge into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs.  For the next hour the woods ring wiht the sound of rifle and machine gun fire, had grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries.

eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.  "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well dne" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind their backs, whisling Dixon of Dock Green.  For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of walkie talkie " Sierra Lima Whisky Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you........" etc.   After what seems like an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.  "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take that squirrel back, and get me a rabbit like I asked you to 5 hours ago!"

So back they go.  Minutes pass.  Minutes turn into hours, night drags on, and turns into day.  The next morning the trainer, and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, with one eye nearly shut.     "Are you taking the p**s!!?" asks the now seriously irate trainer.




The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks "Alright, Alright,............I'm a f**king rabbit".




sorry robbo  

[Simon (WRC GT4)]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Andy Zarse]

A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks “Can you fry eggs?”. “Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England“ replies the bloke... “Give me half a dozen”. So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with.
After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. “That's amazing” says the interviewer “but it must have been a fluke”. “A fluke! Give me a dozen“ says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there's now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan.

“Well then do I get the job?” “No, you piss about too much!!”

[Andy Zarse]

“Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says “Are you the front end of an Ass?” “No” says Johnny. “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” he replies. “Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass” says the Clown triumphantly. Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... “Watch your Uncle and learn” says Mum.
Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). “Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “No” “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said “...f**k off you red nosed, big shoed c**t”.

[Andy Zarse]

A man was told his wife was sick, and that she either had AIDS or Alzheimers - they weren't sure which. He asked a friend if he could offer any advice... The friend suggested the following: “Take her to a remote part of the country, somewhere where she's never been before, and drop her off. If she finds her way home... don't f**k her.”