The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Steve Pyro]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.  Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.  Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.  Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.  After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.  Looking underneath, he
told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[rcutler]

A man gets out of the shower on a hot morning and says to his wife.

" what do will the neighbours think if I cut the lawn naked this morning?"

His wife replies

" well they will find out that I married you for the money!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man asks his wife

" Why are you ironing your bra, you have nothing to put in it!"

His wife replies

" I iron you pants don't I"

That is it for now, save some for Le Mans.

[Robbo SPS]

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party
in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and
music, fashion and art.

There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters,
champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim
Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and
over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his
skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "Party's just got started. How's about I
get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the
'how's yer father?'"

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the
gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in
close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks
Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service
to me, do you?"

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!"
and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door
opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the
face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls............. You're only supposed to blow the
bloody Doors off..."

[gibberish]

LOL.  brilliant Robbo  

[Robbo SPS]

It’s a bit political but clever and to the point!

I come for visit, get treated regal,

 

So I stay, who care I illegal?

I cross border, poor and broke,

Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,

Say I need to see welfare.

 

Welfare say, "You come no more,

We send plenty cash right to your door."

 

Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,

NHS, it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,

Thanks to you, British dummy.

 

Write to friends in motherland,

Tell them come as fast as you can.

They come in rags on the back of trucks,

I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,

 

More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families they moving in,

But neighbour's patience wearing thin

Finally, British guy moves away,

Now I buy his house, and then I say,

Find more aliens for house to rent."

And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family (they just trash),

But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is mucho good,

And soon we own the neighbourhood.

 

We have hobby-it's called breeding,

Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?

We get free! We got no bills!

Britishman crazy! He pay all year,

To keep us illegals in comfort here.

We think UK is very good place!

Much too good for the British race.

 

If they not like us, they can go,

There's lots of room elsewhere you know....

 

SEND THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER

 

[smokie]

Hmmmmm.....this won't turn into a political thread, trust me!!

Robbo, if it disappears later, don't feel offended

[Robbo SPS]

Hmmmmm.....this won't turn into a political thread, trust me!!

Robbo, if it disappears later, don't feel offended

I wont as long as you diont kick me off this forum as the ferry spotters did on theirs.

Something about them being "ferry lovers " HELP !!!!

[Barry]

Following todays news reports:

Man walks into a bar with a baby seal under his arm, puts the seal on a bar stool and sits down himself.
Barman looks at him with a quizical expression on his face, and asks ' What can I get you?'

Man replies ' A pint of best for me please, and a Canadian Club on the rocks for the seal '

[Stu]

Piece of red tarmac and a pice of green tarmac walk into a bar. Barman says to the red tarmac "I'm not serving him, hes a cycle path"

[Simon (WRC GT4)]

Found this posted on another site, thought it quite good as there maybe the posibility of a good ruby murry in MB......



Sing the words to the Queen song
"Bohemian Rhapsody" for full effect

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh oooooooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh ooooh
This korma is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ooooooh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dupizza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....

[gibberish]

and a Canadian Club on the rocks for the seal '

 

Beast        

[rcutler]

Here are a few (sorry arsenal fans) sorry fan

What do David Beckham and George Micheal have in common?

They both come in loos.

------------------------------------------------------

Why do housewives love arsenal?

They stay on top for months , then come second.

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Highbury Arms

Sign saying:- Don't ask for trebles as a smack in the gob usually offends.

-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a Gunner and a Alcoholic?

An alky hangs onto his doubles and trebles!

----------------------------------------------------------

What does an arsenal fan do when his team get to the champions league semi finals?

Turn off the playstion.

-----------------------------------------------------------

[rcutler]

A small boy walks into his  mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven," Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Dad's trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling,

"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

[Steve Pyro]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.
Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
 
 
 
 
 
 
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
 

[Lawnmower Man]

For those in need of a few hi tech tips can I recommend Dr Clifs Garage.

http://www.cardhouse.com/drcliff/garage/tech/techsupport.htm