The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[landman]

SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.

[Landy_Jon]

My parents have admitted to me that the night I was conceived they were both really drunk on weak Aussie beer...


It's not nice finding out you're a Fosters child!

[JimMichaels]

My parents have admitted to me that the night I was conceived they were both really drunk on weak Aussie beer...


It's not nice finding out you're a Fosters child!

Hahaha! This definitely cracked me up.

[JimMichaels]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hear the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little sh*t's name is Kevin.”

[Barry]

 

[Landy_Jon]

^^^ wot he said ^^^

[JimMichaels]

There were once five people on an airplane, all of a sudden, it started to crash. Inside were a girl scout, a boy scout, the pilot, a lawyer, and the pope. There were only four parachutes left.

The girl scout shouted, "I have too much to live for!" So she grabbed her parachute and jumped.

The pilot shouted, "Good luck y'all, but I'm not going down with my own plane!" So he grabbed his parachute and jumped.

The lawyer shouted, "I'm the world's smartest man! I deserve to live more than you two!" So he grabbed his parachute and jumped.

Only left were one parachute, the boy scout, and the pope. The pope places his hands on the boy's shoulders and says, "Son, I lived a long life. You're just a lad, so I want you to take the last parachute."

The boy scout laughed and said, "Don't worry, we'll both live; the world's smartest man just grabbed my backpack!"

[JimMichaels]

I went to the store with my wife.

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.

She asked what was I doing and I said: "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."

She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."

So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.

I asked, "How can we afford this?"

She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."

I said (and much to her dismay), "so will a case of beer at half the price."

[Landy_Jon]

I went to the store with my wife.

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.

She asked what was I doing and I said: "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."

She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."

So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.

I asked, "How can we afford this?"

She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."

I said (and much to her dismay), "so will a case of beer at half the price."

You're going to hell for that one - love it 

[landman]

Mum: What's the lion and witch doing in your wardrobe?

Son: It's Narnia business.

[JimMichaels]

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

[lofty]

A blond woman pushes her BMW into a garage.She tells the mechanic it "just died",after a few minutes of tinkering it's running smoothly. "What was wrong?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburettor"the bloke replies."How often do i have to do that"she says.

[Kev_mk3]

[Kev_mk3]

[Kev_mk3]

What has 14 windows and doesnt open?





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