The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Landy_Jon]

 I was once staying in a hotel just outside of Brussels a good few years back.  Only thing on the tv was Benny Hill in Flemish - and it was just as funny.

As the great man once said "Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe."

[lofty]

Cat fire alarm.

[Bonio]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable...

[lofty]

A lady walks past a pet shop and notices a beautifull Parrot vin the window with a 50 quid price label on the cage. She goes in and asks why is such a fantastic bird so cheap. The pet shop owner admits that the Parrot used to be in a brothel and can say some naughty things. The lady thinks oh well here goes and takes the bird home. After a couple of hours in the living room the Parrot says "new madam". The lady thinks thats not too bad. Another hour goes past and the Parrot says "new house". When the lady get home from picking up her 2 daughters from school the Parrot says "new girls". So far so good thinks the lady. The lady's husband comes home from work and the Parrot says "hello Keith".
BOOM BOOM

[Bonio]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Bonio]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[geoffd]

I went to a zoo last weekend,  the only animal it had was a dog.  It was a shitzu....

[lofty]

Nice.

[landman]

Two policemen with a dog were standing outside of a pub.

A guy comes out, lifts up the dog's tail, shakes his head and walks back inside.

A few minutes later another guy comes out of the pub & does the same thing.

The policemen begin to wonder what's going on but don't say anything.

When a third guy comes out of the pub to look at the dog's arse they stop him and ask 'what are you doing?'

The drunken guy replies 'sorry, but I had to look for myself as there's a bloke in there who says that there's a dog with two arseholes standing at the front of the pub'.

[lofty]

Landman 1066 post!!! Ready for the invasion?

[landman]

Landman 1066 post!!! Ready for the invasion?

What's that in my eye?

[lofty]

help

[jimclark]

I've got nothing to add; but I likes it^^^.... ... and the joke itself, too....

(I'm on the way to the beach as we speak to go "drown"....)

[lofty]

Squirrels.
There are 4 churches and a synagogue in a small town.The whole town had terrible problems with squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide how to fix the problem and determined that the squirrels were God's creatures and should'nt be interfered with. It was afterall God's will. At the Baptist church the deacons met and decided to install a waterslide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown. The squirrels liked the slide so much and even learned to swim, so even more squirrels moved in and the population thrived. The Methodists did'nt want to harm God's creatures so they trapped the little f**k*rs and let them go near the Baptist's Church. The Catholic were very creative and baptised the sqirrels and concerated them as members of the Church. The squirrels only go in the Church at chirstmas and easter. Not much was heard about the problem from the synagogue.The Rabi took one squirrel and had him circumcised. No more squirrels came back afterwards.

[lofty]

JOKE