The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Jules G]

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Q: What do hillbillies do at Halloween?
A: Pump kin

Q: What is a witch's favorite subject at school?
A: Spelling.

[Jules G]

Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar.

The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again."

[lofty]

Hacker.

[Jason]

Hacker.

A great way to quote Spaceballs

[Brian]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a
British soldier selling regimental ties.


The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you
like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced
tie.  I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter  that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that,
and that I am a much better human  being than you. If you continue over
that hill to the east for about  two miles, you will find our Sergeant's
Mess.   It has all the ice cold water you need. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration &
rasped

They won't let me in without a tie!"

[lofty]

Next thursday up the pub we are holding a seminar to help people who have problems reaching orgasm.
If you can't come please let me know.

[Jules G]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

[lofty]

Found in Ireland thought to be a mass grave of snowmen.
Later found to be a carrot field.

[Grand_Fromage]

For Valentines day

Roses are red
This much is true
Violets are violet
Not feckin blue

[Stu]

The Greek Bail Out Explained

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt.  On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works

[nopanic - neil]

Stu - did you see (hear) this one

Still this is great on the Eurozone crisis

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KUcu5HdhYI

[Stu]

Like it Neil   

[lofty]

want a job?

[lofty]

A close friend recently died of a viagra overdose.I went to see his widow the at the weekend ans she said she was stilll finding it hard!

[lofty]

Bloody hell the european bank has just anounced the price of houmous and taramosalata has risen 150%. Its been declared a double dip recession. Boom boom.