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Brian(Liverpool boys)
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« Reply #2310 on: December 07, 2012, 05:56:25 pm » |
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Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari then?
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To make your dreams come true, you have to stay awake.
More Low Flyer's anyone.
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Jules G
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« Reply #2311 on: December 22, 2012, 06:10:28 pm » |
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LuxExpat
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« Reply #2312 on: January 16, 2013, 05:45:05 pm » |
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In light of today's news of Tesco's burgers containing horsemeat...
A horse walks into a bap....
Tesco are to offer a refund to customers that have bought burgers recently!
I wonder what the odds were on that?
Tesco's so far behind the times!! My Lidl Pony has been going for years!
News: Horsemeat discovered in beefburgers on sale at Tesco.
In other news Katie Price and Stacie Solomon are thought to be missing. They were last seen beside a Tesco van.
I'm off now to Burger King to try the Royal Ascot with cheese promotion!
Tesco have admitted there are traces of horse in their burgers.
Still no traces of chicken found in there drumsticks and other chicken products though.
I don't know what all the fuss is about horse meat being found in burgers.
We've been eating birds eyes fish fingers for years
If you think Tesco using Horsemeat is bad, just wait until you hear about what HMV has got planned for Nipper the dog.
Ifangyew... I'm here all week.
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landman
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« Reply #2313 on: January 16, 2013, 05:47:14 pm » |
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Tesco burgers: low in fat, high in Shergar.
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Crouch..........bind..........set
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #2314 on: January 16, 2013, 05:59:35 pm » |
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Did you know that "Hamburgers" is an anagram of "Shergar Bum"
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Steve  East Anglian cobras 
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LuxExpat
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« Reply #2315 on: January 17, 2013, 12:23:01 pm » |
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Did you know that "Hamburgers" is an anagram of "Shergar Bum"
Beware the "chewy bit"  |
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Jules G
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« Reply #2316 on: January 18, 2013, 09:55:24 am » |
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- just remember, an HMV voucher is not just for Christmas, it's for life....................
- I've just been in the loft and found a 1979 copy of TV Times. Or, as it's now known, the sex offenders register.
- There are no burgers left on Tesco's shelves, try their meatballs. They're the dogs bollocks
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landman
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« Reply #2317 on: January 18, 2013, 10:31:23 am » |
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A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...
Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
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Crouch..........bind..........set
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Kev_mk3
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« Reply #2318 on: January 24, 2013, 10:21:44 pm » |
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Jules G
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« Reply #2319 on: February 01, 2013, 01:58:26 pm » |
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After all the furore of horse meat being found in Tesco burgers, Primark are in the spotlight this week with camel toe being found in all their leggings.
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Jules G
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« Reply #2320 on: February 07, 2013, 04:44:45 pm » |
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I had to sack my east European cleaner today. It took her four hours just to hoover the lounge.
Turns out she's a Slovak
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Jules G
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« Reply #2321 on: February 14, 2013, 04:14:08 pm » |
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A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
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Jules G
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« Reply #2322 on: February 14, 2013, 04:16:24 pm » |
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-No judge in South Africa is going to let Oscar Pistorius get away with killing his girlfriend.
Why? Because he hasn't got a leg to stand on.
-They call him the Blade Runner. Maybe he thought she was a replicant.
- Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your girlfriend out on Valentine's Day.
-What was Oscar Pistorius' favourite band?
Bullet For My Valentine.
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dukla
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« Reply #2323 on: February 16, 2013, 11:39:35 pm » |
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Oscar Pistorius - surprised he used a gun. He has always been so handy with blades!
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Canada Phil
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« Reply #2324 on: February 16, 2013, 11:52:01 pm » |
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The New 2013 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus.' It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real ##### to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
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