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BigH
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« Reply #2265 on: May 09, 2012, 07:59:47 pm » |
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So that's where Big H has been hiding. I did wonder where he now spends his time. In fact, in my (sadly inadequate) defence Si, all I can say is I prefer Fiery Jack, - it has all the benefits of excruciating pain and groinal pyrotechnics, without the embarrassment of depillation. I find a council strimmer best for that. H |
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Always with the negative waves Moriarty, always with the negative waves...
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Nordic
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« Reply #2266 on: May 11, 2012, 01:57:47 pm » |
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What we can learn from cows:
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...
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Some people will tell you that slow is good - and it may be, on some days - but I am here to tell you that fast is better.
H S Thompson 1937 - 2005
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Jules G
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« Reply #2267 on: May 11, 2012, 04:04:58 pm » |
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Keep with the "Dairy" theme...................................................................
Q: How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?
A: Caerphilly.
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nickliv
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« Reply #2268 on: May 11, 2012, 07:42:17 pm » |
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What sort of cheese can you hide a horse in?
Mascarpone.
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If I had all the money I've ever spent on drink, I think on balance, I'd probably spend it on drink.
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nickliv
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« Reply #2269 on: May 11, 2012, 07:43:16 pm » |
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I'm going out tonight with some members of my OCD support group.
Things aren't going to get messy.
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If I had all the money I've ever spent on drink, I think on balance, I'd probably spend it on drink.
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Jules G
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« Reply #2270 on: May 24, 2012, 01:47:06 pm » |
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Wife texts husband on a cold spring day -"Windows frozen".
He texts back "Pour lukewarm water over".
A further text from wife, "Thanks, PC completely buggered now".
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Barry
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« Reply #2271 on: May 29, 2012, 03:47:32 pm » |
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A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap."
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Jules G
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« Reply #2272 on: May 31, 2012, 06:18:03 pm » |
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Q) What are the first three letters of the new Greek alphabet?
A) I O U
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landman
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« Reply #2273 on: May 31, 2012, 06:21:39 pm » |
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Things are now so bad in Syria that Bernie Ecclestone's has been on the phone to President Assad to arrange for a new grand prix to be run in Damascus next season.
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Crouch..........bind..........set
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Jules G
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« Reply #2274 on: June 14, 2012, 06:08:07 pm » |
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Polish fans have been officially warned that if they cause any more trouble during Euro 2012 they will be deported back to the UK.
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Lazy B'stard
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« Reply #2275 on: June 15, 2012, 11:15:36 am » |
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A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"this is the fat stinking pig i have to shag when you're not up for sex".
His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep"
He says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
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Dick Dasterdly was right
'Don't just stand there, do something!'
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Jules G
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« Reply #2276 on: June 28, 2012, 05:22:16 pm » |
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Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.
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Jules G
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« Reply #2277 on: July 04, 2012, 02:36:18 pm » |
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A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, the priest says “We don’t allow Higgs-Bosons in here.”
The Higgs-Boson says “But without me how can you have mass?
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Grand_Fromage
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« Reply #2278 on: July 07, 2012, 11:38:04 am » |
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A wife is making a breakfast of fried eggs. Suddenly, her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful!" he says "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stares at him. "What in the world is wrong with you!? Do you think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".
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Jules G
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« Reply #2279 on: July 20, 2012, 03:14:25 pm » |
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Q. How many G4S security staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Six soldiers and a policeman.
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