The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[SL]

Whitney Houston is to star in a new film, "The Bodybag"

Bobby Brown has also been found dead. Friends say the last time they saw him he was singing "Two can play that game"

Everyone’s a comedian these days, even the paramedic who unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn’t resist the old gag when he radioed dispatch and said “its Houston we have a problem.”

What's the difference between a Diva and a diver?
Only one of them can breathe underwater.

First Amy Winehouse and now Whitney Houston; Columbia has a tough financial year ahead.

S

[Jules G]

A thief stole all the toilet seats from Scotland Yard last night.

The Met Police say they have nothing to go on.

[Grand_Fromage]

[lofty]

nice.approved by J.E.D.I.master

[nickliv]

Tulisa taking out a gagging order over a video of her giving a **** ***. Now that's irony.

[Jules G]

Wayne Rooney visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital this week.

"It's amazing, I swear he is starting to string a few basic sentences together," said Fabrice.

[gt6]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
 taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark
from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner
tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then
you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
 

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is
on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

[Lazy B'stard]

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as; "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just f**ked a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side.

[Barry]

At Last a Rational explanation of the Game – (Compiled by members of the pack)??.
 
It is largely unknown to players and followers of the modern game that rugby started off purely as a contest for forwards in opposition in line-outs, scrums, rucks and mauls. This pitted eight men of statuesque physique, supreme fitness and superior intelligence in packs against one another.
 
In those days, the winner was the pack that won the most set pieces. The debasement of the game began when backs were introduced. This occurred because a major problem was where to locate the next scrum or line-out.
Selecting positions on the ground for these had become a constant source of friction and even violence.
 
The problem was resolved by employing forward rejects, men of small stature and limited intelligence, to run aimlessly around within the field of play.
Following a set piece, the ball would be thrown to one of them, who would establish the next location either by dropping it or by throwing it to another reject for dropping. Very occasionally, a third reject would receive the ball before it would be dropped, and crowds would wildly cheer on these rare occasions. Initially these additional players were entirely disorganized but with the passing of time they adopted set positions.
 
For instance, take the half-back. He was usually one of the smallest and least intelligent of the backs whose role was simply to accept the ball from a forward and to pass it on to one of the other rejects who would drop it, providing the new location for the forwards to compete. He could easily (given his general size) have been called a quarter forward or a ball monkey but then tolerance and compassion are the keys to forward play and the present euphemism was decided on.
 
The five-eighth plays next to the half-back and his role is essentially the same except that when pressured, he usually panics and kicks the ball.
Normally, he is somewhat taller and slightly better built than the half-back and hence his name. One-eighth less and he would have been a half-back, three-eighths more and he might well have qualified to become a forward.
 
The centres were opportunists who had no expertise but wanted to share in the glamour associated with forward packs. After repeated supplication to the forwards for a role in the game they would be told to get out in the middle of the field and wait for instructions. Thus, when asked where they played, they would reply "in the centre". And they remain to this day, parasites and scroungers who mostly work as lawyers or used car dealers.
 
You may ask, why wingers? The answer is simple. Because these were players who had very little ability and were the lowest in the backline pecking order, they were placed as far away from the ball as possible. Consequently, and because the inside backs were so diligent in their assigned role of dropping the ball whenever they received it, the main contribution to the game made by the winger was not to get involved. Their instructions were to run away as quickly as possible whenever trouble appeared, and to avoid tackles at all costs. The fact that the game was organised so that the wingers didn't get to touch the ball led to an incessant flow of complaints from them and eventually the apt description "whingers" was applied. Even though the "h" dropped off over the years, the whingeing itself unfortunately has not.
 
Lastly, the full-back. This was the position given to the worst handler, the person least able to accept or pass the ball, someone who was always in the way. The name arose because the forwards would understandably become infuriated by the poor play invariably demonstrated by that person, and call out "send that fool back". He would then be relegated well out of everyone's way to the rear of the field.
 
So there you have it. Let's return to the glory days of a contest between two packs of eight men of statuesque physique, supreme fitness and superior intelligence. The rest can go off to where they will be happier, playing soccer.
 
 

[termietermite]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-3119812-0506027?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

[Werner]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-3119812-0506027?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

ROFL - Just spilled my coffee on the table

[Andy]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-3119812-0506027?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

ROFL - Just spilled my coffee on the table

Tears streaming  whilst curled up laughing.... F** FUNNY

[Jason]

Thanks to Andy for reminding me of this one

A guy walks into a bar with 3 ducks under his arm. the barman, a curious fellow, wants a word with the ducks but knows the man would object. after an hour, the man goes to the toilet.
"Hi, what`s your name," he asks the first duck
"Huey"
"What you been doing today"
"I've been playing around in Puddles"
"Nice, and you are?" he asks the second
"Louie"
"And what have you been doing today?"
"I've been in and out of Puddles all day, and given the chance I'd do it again"
"Oh," and to the last," you must be Dewy?"
"NO! I'm Puddles, and don't you dare ask me how my days been!"

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman.

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
...
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said,
'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's
dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What
happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and
made a profit of £898'. The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
 
 

[Lazy B'stard]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-3119812-0506027?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

So that's where Big H has been hiding. I did wonder where he now spends his time.