|
Martini...LB
|
 |
« Reply #2235 on: November 21, 2011, 06:48:22 pm » |
|
A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Scouser lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Scally returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?
The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
Ah, the mind of the True Scouser.. This is why they survive
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
l'abus d'alcool est dangereux pour la santé , à consommer avec modération
|
|
|
|
nickliv
|
|
« Reply #2236 on: November 22, 2011, 04:51:27 pm » |
|
And on tonights 'I'm a celebrity, Get me out of here' the bushtucker trial will be a kangaroo having to eat one of Fatima Whitbreads testicles.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
If I had all the money I've ever spent on drink, I think on balance, I'd probably spend it on drink.
|
|
|
|
Brian
|
|
« Reply #2237 on: November 25, 2011, 10:18:51 pm » |
|
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher... I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.....
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
nickliv
|
|
« Reply #2238 on: November 26, 2011, 09:14:10 pm » |
|
What's the difference between a joiner and a carpenter?
A joiner works with wood, a carpenter pents cars.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
If I had all the money I've ever spent on drink, I think on balance, I'd probably spend it on drink.
|
|
|
|
landman
|
|
« Reply #2239 on: November 29, 2011, 12:13:43 am » |
|
Sad news.
I've spent most of the day by my wife's grave.
She thinks I'm digging out a plunge pool that she's been nagging me for since last summer...
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Crouch..........bind..........set
|
|
|
|
Jules G
|
|
« Reply #2240 on: December 01, 2011, 06:29:22 pm » |
|
Old Football Jokes Home:
An*l sex is like getting your first Man Utd scarf. You don't want it, but your uncle gives it to you anyway.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Jules G
|
|
« Reply #2241 on: December 01, 2011, 06:30:04 pm » |
|
Just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.
Every time you open a door someone tells you to f*ck off.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
landman
|
|
« Reply #2242 on: December 04, 2011, 02:03:36 pm » |
|
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Crouch..........bind..........set
|
|
|
|
Barry
|
|
« Reply #2243 on: December 20, 2011, 06:28:57 pm » |
|
Remember, a dog is not just for Christmas... Save some for Kim Jong-Il's funeral on the 28th...
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
nickliv
|
|
« Reply #2245 on: December 21, 2011, 09:39:03 pm » |
|
Did Kim Jong Ill become Kim Jong Very Ill, then finally turn into Kim Jong Dead?
Phoned the police today to tell them I thought I'd found a bomb.
"What does it look like?" they asked.
"Well, it's disguised as a sandwich and it has two wires coming out of it and a timer on the side." I said.
"Is it ticking?"
"No, I think it's beef."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
If I had all the money I've ever spent on drink, I think on balance, I'd probably spend it on drink.
|
|
|
|
Brian(Liverpool boys)
|
|
« Reply #2246 on: December 22, 2011, 10:46:25 pm » |
|
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house
cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean
house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do
all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either
but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
To make your dreams come true, you have to stay awake.
More Low Flyer's anyone.
|
|
|
|
Jules G
|
|
« Reply #2247 on: January 05, 2012, 09:30:44 pm » |
|
A little boy asks his grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why.
Little boy replies, "Because Mummy said when you croak we're all going to Disneyland".
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Jules G
|
|
« Reply #2248 on: January 06, 2012, 01:49:24 pm » |
|
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps. >> >>
He whispers . .
'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Barry
|
|
« Reply #2249 on: February 16, 2012, 01:32:13 pm » |
|
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe
her.
He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I,
J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,
Hot.
She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic
about saving his testicles
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
