The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[gibberish]

LOL    very good Russ.................



Paddy had been drinking in his local Dubllin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Irelands draw with Spain.  Mick, the bartender says, "Youll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."  Paddy spins round on his stool and steps off.  He falls flat on his faxce.  "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool, and dusts himself off.  He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.  "Shoite Shoite!"  He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.  He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.  He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement (sidewalk in USA). He falls flat on his face.  "Bi'Jesus.....I'm fock*n' fock*d," he says.  He can see his house just a few doors down the road, and crawls to the door, and shimmies up the door frame.  He opens the front door and shimmmies inside.  He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fo*kin way".  He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom and says "I can make it to the bed."  He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.  He says "Fo** it" and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy, did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says "I did Jess.  I was fo**in   p**sed, but how'd you know?"


Mick called...........You left your wheelchair at the pub!"

[Rhino]

 
Brilliant

[gibberish]

Blonde joke
 
 
 
 
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch
As they stood at the counter one tourist asked the blonde employee:
'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are... Very slowly?'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The blonde leaned over the counter and said,
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'Burrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiing.' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dijon Mustard]

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and
discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a
bishop.  Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
"Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to
put you down, but MY son is a Cardinal.  Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied,
Chippendale's stripper.  Whenever he walks into a
room, people say, "OH MY GOD."

[Steve Pyro]

Caution

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "Beer", is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs".  Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for 'no strings attached' sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women (Ten Pinters) to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their savings, in a familiar scam known as  "a relationship".

It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer form of servitude and punishment known as "Marriage".

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please, forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

[Mr. Rick]

Brilliant Steve! Already on it's way to my joke buddies!!

 

[Abs]

Nice one Steve..

Here's another.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

'' Top of the mornin to yer, sir'' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello'' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

''What are those, asks the attendant.

''They're called tees'' replies Tiger.

''Well, what on God's earth are dey for.'' inquires the Irishman.

''They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving, says Tiger.

''Fookin Jaysus'', says the Irishman, ''BMW thinks of everything''

[Dark Warrior]

A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that  the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.  

After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of  miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another
survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.

As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... it's
Kylie Minogue! Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.  

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
anything".

"Well there is one thing - would you mind putting on my
shirt?" he says



"OK"



"And my trousers?"


"OK"


At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" Kylie said.

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading
towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint,
runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:













"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
 

[Nordic]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.      

This is how it manifests itself:I decide to wash my car.                                          
                                                                           
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.                                                      

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.            
                                                                           
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
                                                                           
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.                                                      
                                                                           
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.    
                                                                           
 I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left                                                        
                                                                           
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.            

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.            
                                                                           
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.                              
                                                                           
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.              
                                                                           
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.                
                                                                           
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.                                            
                                                                           
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.                          
                                                                           
Someone left it on the kitchen table.                            
                                                                           
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.                                
                                                                           
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.                                    

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.                                                            

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.                    
                                                                           
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.                                                    
                                                                           
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.    
                                                                           
Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.          
                                                                         
                                                           

[Steve Pyro]

Oh dear, this all sounds extremely familiar - at least I thought it did - but I've forgotten.

Bugger......

[gibberish]

LOL             Brilliant Nordic.  Reminds me of something..................now what was it?  

[Steve Pyro]

Paddy, the Irishman, died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.  So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
 So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, that ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought in Sean to identify the body.  Sean took one look at him and said Yup, he's been burnt pretty bad, roll him over".  So the mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said "Nope, that ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Sean said "Well, Paddy had two a**eholes".
"What, he had two a**eholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two a**eholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say.... "Here comes Paddy with them two a**eholes".
 

[Andy Zarse]

Then after he was actually identified as being Paddy, (two arseholes or not) the Solictor read his will; Paddy had asked to be buried at sea.

So Sean and Seamus put Paddy's body into a boat and rowed out from the beach. After a hundred yards Sean said to Seamus "Roight, stop the boat". He jumped out and ended up to his waist in the water. "No good" he said "It's not feckin' deep enough here".

They rowed out for another hundred yards and again they stopped the boat. Sean jumped out, this time up to his neck "No" he said "Still not deep enough".

Another hundred yards later they stopped the boat and Sean jumped out and vanished beneath the waves, leaving only his flat cap floating on the top. Thirty seconds later he spluttered to the surface.

"It's ok" he said, "It's deep enough here. Roight Seamus, pass me that spade..."

[jpchenet]

A two seater Cessna light aircraft crashed into a graveyard near Galway. Rescue teams don't expect any survivors and have so far recovered 287 bodies!!  

[Steve Pyro]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4.

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.

" Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."