|
Jules G
|
 |
« Reply #2205 on: August 25, 2011, 08:53:23 pm » |
|
My doctor has just diagnosed me with colourblindness. It hit me like a bolt out of the grey.  |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Jules G
|
|
« Reply #2206 on: August 25, 2011, 08:53:58 pm » |
|
Q: Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia?
A: Well tough sh*t, I've forgotten it.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Nobby Diesel
|
|
« Reply #2207 on: August 26, 2011, 02:10:07 am » |
|
My wife is going to a fancy dress party.
I've promised to do her hair.
She's going as a rastafarian; I'm dreading it.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.
|
|
|
|
Brian
|
|
« Reply #2208 on: September 05, 2011, 11:25:45 pm » |
|
Morris returns from the doctor
and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.
About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one
more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we
could...'
At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough.
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Brian(Liverpool boys)
|
|
« Reply #2209 on: September 09, 2011, 10:30:02 am » |
|
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself"
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your bloody Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!'
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
To make your dreams come true, you have to stay awake.
More Low Flyer's anyone.
|
|
|
BryanC
CA Veteran
Full Member
 Offline
Posts: 108
I'm a llama!
|
|
« Reply #2210 on: September 10, 2011, 04:34:53 pm » |
|
A man approaches a tasty young woman in a shop.
He says "I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes"?
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is"?
".....Not a clue, but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere"!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
And you know what they call a... a... a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
|
|
|
|
Kpy
|
|
« Reply #2211 on: September 12, 2011, 04:22:15 pm » |
|
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday
morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately
sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other
w@nker using my stuff."
She looked at me and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another
w@nker?"
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
DelBoy
|
|
« Reply #2212 on: September 22, 2011, 01:14:20 pm » |
|
Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University,
has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.
|
Team Delboy Racing
|
|
|
|
landman
|
|
« Reply #2213 on: September 22, 2011, 05:51:55 pm » |
|
I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.
That's me in the korma.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Crouch..........bind..........set
|
|
|
|
lofty
|
|
« Reply #2214 on: September 22, 2011, 10:32:54 pm » |
|
dire straights are touring with chris rea next year.
dire rea 2012
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
J.E.D.I.
i dont want to be in a club
i want to be in a gang
or perhaps a drinking order
|
|
|
|
nickliv
|
|
« Reply #2215 on: September 22, 2011, 10:52:29 pm » |
|
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
If I had all the money I've ever spent on drink, I think on balance, I'd probably spend it on drink.
|
|
|
|
Jules G
|
|
« Reply #2216 on: September 26, 2011, 10:35:59 am » |
|
A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar
goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound
English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man
nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a
taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals.""Its
alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Jules G
|
|
« Reply #2217 on: September 26, 2011, 10:38:17 am » |
|
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
dukla
|
|
« Reply #2218 on: September 26, 2011, 10:01:01 pm » |
|
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
dukla
|
|
« Reply #2219 on: September 26, 2011, 11:01:25 pm » |
|
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
