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Jules G
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« Reply #2190 on: July 13, 2011, 10:04:11 am » |
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Duz tha speak Yorkshire?
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
...............
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet
he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog
by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
............
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
.............
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being
carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just
above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
and of course:
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone
should have the words
"She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be
ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the
headstone is ready
and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that
it's been engraved
"She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've
left the blood y "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely
and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason:
"There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".
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Barry
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« Reply #2191 on: July 19, 2011, 05:12:22 pm » |
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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so damn ugly, it would lift by itself."
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Jules G
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« Reply #2192 on: July 25, 2011, 10:39:01 am » |
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Pub in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The Pub went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The barman approached the little drunk and said,
"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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Dangermouse
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« Reply #2193 on: July 25, 2011, 04:03:25 pm » |
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At Amy Winehouse's funeral, Elton John will play 'Candle unde the Spoon'
Coat
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Did I just say that out loud?
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Jules G
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« Reply #2194 on: July 25, 2011, 05:05:56 pm » |
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Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Sir Alex Ferguson?
Ferguson can still play Giggs
or
Alex Higgins and George Best are said to be extremely excited…..
They have just found out heavens getting a new winehouse.
and finally.........
What have Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson got in common?
They both had a 10 year old crack addiction.
I'll get my coat......
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Dangermouse
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« Reply #2195 on: July 26, 2011, 11:09:04 am » |
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I was asked if I had any Amy Winehouse jokes. I said "No, no, no"  |
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Did I just say that out loud?
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nickliv
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« Reply #2196 on: July 26, 2011, 04:44:46 pm » |
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My wife asked me why the laptop was all sticky, I told her I'd spilt ice cream on it.
She asked how on earth I'd managed to do that.
Honestly, w**king and eating ice cream's not easy you know.
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If I had all the money I've ever spent on drink, I think on balance, I'd probably spend it on drink.
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Kev_mk3
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« Reply #2197 on: July 27, 2011, 01:54:10 pm » |
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Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Richard Hammond?
Richard Hammond survived Top Gear
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Kev_mk3
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« Reply #2198 on: July 27, 2011, 01:54:41 pm » |
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Three friends married women from different parts of the world......
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a
huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Yorkshire . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't
see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the
third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could
fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some
difficulty when he pees.
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Kev_mk3
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« Reply #2199 on: July 27, 2011, 01:56:08 pm » |
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Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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Kev_mk3
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« Reply #2200 on: July 27, 2011, 01:57:03 pm » |
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Jules G
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« Reply #2201 on: August 11, 2011, 02:37:26 pm » |
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Q: What's the difference between Croydon and Fernando Torres.
A: Croydon's on fire.
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Jules G
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« Reply #2202 on: August 11, 2011, 02:39:34 pm » |
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Q. What's the difference between Mark Duggan and Peter Crouch?
A. Crouch never set Tottenham alight.
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Nordic
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« Reply #2203 on: August 12, 2011, 06:26:28 pm » |
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Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water and 7 miles for food...........This is because the daft f**k*r torched Peckham Costcutter and Tottenham KFC and now has to walk to Tooting for breakfast.
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Some people will tell you that slow is good - and it may be, on some days - but I am here to tell you that fast is better.
H S Thompson 1937 - 2005
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Brian(Liverpool boys)
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« Reply #2204 on: August 24, 2011, 01:39:37 pm » |
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A couple were driving and ran over a possum, the possum was all wet, mangy and cold. The husband suggested that the wife put the possum between her legs to keep it warm, "But it stinks" said the wife, " Well hold the possums nose then"
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To make your dreams come true, you have to stay awake.
More Low Flyer's anyone.
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