The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Jules G]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.' 

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember,.... the Pope is German)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'
   
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it, anyway ?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[Jules G]

A young couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." Admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know.." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome in Homebase either...

[Dangermouse]

How ironic is it that Eddie Stobarts life was limited to 56? :oops:

[Jules G]

 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'This may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
 
'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

 

[Bob U]

 

How To Shower Like a Woman


Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights
and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Washyour hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse
conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see
partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
 
How To Shower Like a Man

 

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at
how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum,
leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole
time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom
with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo'
sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

 

 

[Jules G]

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
 
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she  had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.'

[Jules G]

Tragedy as 21 year-old earns £78,000 for four days work

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.
 
Maybe he needs some new pokey-sticks?
Ulsterman Rory McIlroy carried the hopes of a nation as he went in to the last day of the Masters with a commanding four shot advantage and all the money he could ever possibly need.

But the dream collapsed at Augusta's par four 10th when the meteoric youngster drove into the trees after being distracted by a glimpse of a really nice Porsche 911, that he has since bought, grown bored of and abandoned in the car park of a seven-star hotel.

TV viewers in the UK wept like Italian grandmothers as McIlroy missed a series of putts that could have been holed by Italian grandmothers, all the while hiding his tragic face beneath the brim of the heavily-branded hat he gets paid tens of thousands of pounds to wear.

The BBC responded to McIlroy's collapse by placing a black border around the screen and playing Barber's Adagio for Strings over and over again.

Distraught presenter Hazel Irvine screamed 'Roooo-reee! Roooo-reee! Roooo-reee!' before cutting all her hair off, stripping naked and drowning herself in the lake at the par five 15th.

Commentators Ken Brown and Wayne Grady self-harmed with plastic forks and sharpened pencils, while Peter Allis said it was worse than watching Shoah, the nine and a half hour-long documentary about the Holocaust.

Allis added: "Cruel mistress... young lad... lesson learned... character-building... where am I?"

After his catastrophic final round of 374, McIlroy said: "I don't know what I'd do if my job wasn't inconsequential and I had absolutely nothing to worry about."

Meanwhile winner Charl Schwartzel said he will use his £880,000 prize money to buy back the missing letters from his name.
 

[smokie]

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with
more pleasure than his wife does.

But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.

''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'' "Don't worry sir'',
replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!

[dukla]

At least Osama got to see the Royal wedding 

[Snoring Rhino]

Not a Joke, but very funny.
On my journey from work in Poole to Home (around 19 miles) I pass 6 speed camera's, 3 of which are on the Dorset Way out of Bournemouth. I was trundling along on my bike this evening at around or just over the limit and saw the light of another bike in my mirrors a way back. Traffic was fairly heavy but we were keeping a steady pace. Suddenly, bloke on this over grown scooter came whizzing up my inside and cut my up as he swerved back into my lane. There are also numerous traffic light on my route so inevitably I caught him up at the lights by Bournemouth Hospital and enquired if he had a death wish and if so would mind not involving me in it (well words to that effect with a few expletives thrown in, there was a biker death crash there 2 weeks ago). He told me to go forth and multiply. The lights went green and he stormed off on his scooter only to be stopped at the next lights, I was ok to follow on behind and again he stormed off at the green. He must of forgotten about the next camera about 100 yards up the road, my joy at seeing his number plate lit up by the camera was unbounded, I nearly fell off laughing, he didn't flinch so I'm guessing he didn't notice, too intent on wringing as much out of this thing as possible, unfortunately he went off in a different direction at the next roundabout so I could not deliver the good news, so the Posty could have the pleasure of delivering the Justice. Made my day!

[nickliv]

Stephen Hawking went on a blind date last week.

He came home with bruises and scrapes down his left hand side, a black eye, broken glasses, and a broken little finger.

Apparently she stood him up.

[nopanic - neil]

DNA of Bin Laden came back with a reading of

- 24% cocoa,
- 52% coconut,
- 18% sugar
and 6% milk.


Experts say this is probably due to the ‘Bounty’ on his head

[LangTall]

Upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner/Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

As well, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3, to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Signed,
Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0.However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command: "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

Tech tip!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend: HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as: FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

[Fran]

Love it!

[Andy]

 A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


     'Viagra'
is  now available In powder form

For your tea.
   

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance

But it does stop your biscuit going soft.